


The Unspoken and Unsent

by hollycomb



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 15:12:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollycomb/pseuds/hollycomb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elphias and Albus exchange passive aggressive letters after graduation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unspoken and Unsent

Elphias Doge had never been happier than he was on the afternoon of his last Leaving Feast at Hogwarts. He was preparing to embark the following morning on a tour of the world with his best friend since first year, and they were going to see all of the places Elphias had only dreamed and read about, have fantastic adventures and get in loads of ultimately harmless trouble in every remote corner of the wizarding world. He could not seem to keep his leg still; it was bouncing under the Gryffindor table as he sat there for the last time, stuffing his face with pumpkin bread and roast chicken and anything he could get his hands on. His appetite often matched his moods, and on that day it felt unstoppable. Albus, meanwhile, was sitting next to him and looking wan as he picked at a small helping of potatoes.  
  
"You can't possibly think you did badly on your exams," Elphias said, skipping over the part where he asked if something was wrong. He knew Albus' every look and posture and understood already that something was bothering him.  
  
"No," Albus said. "It's just that my stomach's a bit unsettled. Too much excitement, I suppose."  
  
Elphias elbowed his friend the way he always did when Albus began talking like he was his own grandmother. Albus was the smartest boy -- man! -- and the most talented wizard Elphias and everyone else at Hogwarts had ever known. Sometimes his brilliance translated to an emotional maturity that made Elphias feel as though he were much younger than Albus, though in fact they'd been born only a month apart.  
  
"What, then, no celebratory pints down at the Three Broomsticks tonight?" Elphias said in a pout. The drinking down in Hogsmeade had always been part of their plan to celebrate their new freedom, and Elphias had been looking forward to seeing a drunken Albus. Albus never snuck sips of firewhiskey with the others during Hogsmeade trips. He took his prefect status much too seriously, and Elphias hoped that the burden of Albus' good behavior would not haunt them so constantly once they were free of school.  
  
"I'm sure I'll feel better by this evening," Albus said, smiling shakily. Elphias had never seen him look so anxious and wound-up, but he might have expected as much since they were finally leaving Hogwarts, which meant more to Albus than it did to Elphias and most of the other students. Albus had had it a bit rough at home since his father's arrest, and he took refuge in the school that had recognized and celebrated his gifts since his first year. Elphias could still remember their first Transfiguration class together. The professor was stuck speechless when Albus somehow transfigured a tea kettle into a bewildered-looking adult moose with fantastic antlers.  
  
"You'd better get well fast," Elphias said, slinging an arm around his friend. "At least by tomorrow morning. First stop: _darkest Africa_."  
  
"Don't call it darkest Africa," Albus said, smiling a little. Elphias smiled back and leaned to laugh onto his shoulder. Albus was always correcting Elphias' speech and ideas and spell work, and sometimes they got into rows when Elphias felt Albus was treating him like an embarrassing younger brother, but most of the time he secretly enjoyed Albus' exasperation with him.  
  
After eating, Albus persuaded Elphias to take a nostalgic walk around the grounds, and Elphias was glad to go, mostly because it was an encouraging sign that Albus was willing to miss the professors' boring speeches in lieu of something that was, perhaps, technically against the rules. Elphias wasn't entirely sure; he felt effervescent, living in a space between school and adulthood for one final day, unable to tell if he was defying boundaries or simply beginning to make his own choices.  
  
"It's a lovely day, don't you think?" Albus said as they made their way toward the meadow behind the manicured garden toward which the professors tended to gravitate while the students spread out in the front courtyard. Elphias laughed and tugged on Albus' arm. Albus still looked a bit green, and he was talking about the weather. Elphias would have to raid the hospital wing before leaving Hogwarts if Albus was coming down with something, because there was no way he would allow even a portion of their trip to be canceled.  
  
"Let's walk down by the lake and see who's having some last chance sex," Elphias said. "Ten sickles on Bonnie Bedford and Zachary McDougall."  
  
"No, Elphias, please." Albus frowned deeply. "Quit joking."  
  
"Who said I was joking? And can't I just be happy, Albus? I know you're upset about leaving Hogwarts, but I've been counting down the days. Now we'll be Aurors like we've always talked about! This trip around the world will be just a preview. When we come back we'll begin the training and then we'll be sent out on missions to places we've never even heard about --"  
  
"Elphias, you're cutting off the circulation in my arm," Albus remarked lightly. Elphias looked down to see that he was indeed squeezing Albus' arm quite tightly, and he laughed at himself. He let go and smacked Albus on the back.  
  
"Don't blame me for being excited," Elphias said. "I thought you might be a little excited yourself, actually. At least about our trip."  
  
"I am," Albus said, so emphatically that Elphias laughed again. Albus stopped walking and turned to Elphias, then looked about the meadow as if he were afraid they were being spied on. "Elphias," he said. "I'm so excited, you've no idea."  
  
"Are you ill, then? If you are we should go to the hospital wing straight away, I wouldn't want you –"  
  
"No, I'm not ill. At least not in any way that a potion from the school nurse could cure. Come here."  
  
He took Elphias' hand and led him further into the meadow, where the trees were thicker and the grass was taller. Elphias followed along obediently, a sense that something was truly wrong sitting heavy at the pit of his stomach. He regretted eating so much at the leaving feast.  
  
"Where are we going?" Elphias asked as Albus brought him to the very edge of the woods. Albus sighed as if he'd been dreading that question and dropped Elphias' hand. He gestured to a felled log that had tiny purple mushrooms growing on it. Elphias hoped that Albus didn't intend to enlist him in harvesting potion ingredients on their last day at Hogwarts.  
  
"Sit, please," Albus said when Elphias stood staring at him in confusion. Elphias did as he was told, a frown deepening on his forehead. Albus sat down beside him and smoothed out his robes, a habit he had when he was nervous. Elphias had only seen Albus nervous twice before: when he turned down Wendy Fitzwilliam's invitation to dance at a ball during their fifth year, and the first time he'd written home to tell his mother that he would be spending the winter holiday with Elphias and his family.  
  
"Albus," Elphias said. "You're beginning to worry me."  
  
"Yes, I know," Albus said, his voice thin with the effort of getting it past his lips. He wouldn't look at Elphias directly, and then when he did, his blue eyes were shimmering wetly. "I have something to tell you," he said.  
  
"Oh, God, you can't make the trip, can you?" Elphias groaned and put his head in his hands, then shot back up to look at Albus again. "What is it, what's happened? Can't it wait until we get back, whatever it is?"  
  
"I don't think it can," Albus said. He started to reach for Elphias and then drew his hand back. "But I do hope we can still go on our trip."  
  
"What? Oh, good, you frightened me." Elphias couldn't imagine what else could possibly be wrong. Albus wasn't ill, and he wasn't canceling their summer plans. He hadn't done poorly on his exams -- the mere idea was laughable -- and he hadn't had any Howlers or otherwise alarming letters from home in the past few days, at least not as far as Elphias knew. He put an arm around Albus and found that he was trembling.  
  
"I've imagined this moment for such a long time," Albus said. He looked up into Elphias' face and then away again, then back.  
  
"What moment?" Elphias asked. He looked around the meadow, but it was quiet and calm, buzzing with insects whose wings glowed in the late afternoon sunlight.  
  
"Elphias," Albus said. "Do you recall in fourth year? Your -- that girl -- Victoria -- who you were -- seeing?"  
  
"Oh, vaguely, yes. That was so long ago -- trying to rub the fact that I haven't done much courting in my face, are you? You're hardly one to talk!" Elphias laughed, and removed his arm from Albus' shoulders when the weight of it only seemed to increase his trembling.  
  
"She was the only one," Albus said. He wiped sweat from his upper lip. "And, my God, I have never hated anyone so passionately."  
  
"Yes, I rather came to hate her myself. What on earth does she have to do with anything now? You haven't come to fancy her, have you? Oh, Merlin's _beard_ , Albus, you haven't got her in trouble --"  
  
"Elphias, you are really exceptionally daft!" Albus said, standing. "I've brought you out here to tell you I've been in love with you for five years and I can't get two bloody words out before you accuse me of impregnating your former girlfriend!"  
  
Elphias stared up at Albus for almost a full minute before he burst into laughter. Albus had his fists clenched and his shoulders raised and Elphias waited for him to crack a smile and break out laughing himself, then slowly wound down to silence when he didn't.  
  
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Elphias asked, frowning again. Albus growled in frustration and yanked him up from his seat.  
  
"I said I love you!" Their noses were almost touching as Albus glared at Elphias, waiting for him to do something about it. He looked as if he were set to accuse him of administering a love potion.  
  
"Love me?" Elphias squeaked, still terribly confused.  
  
"Yes, you idiot! How on earth you've managed to miss this is the great mystery of my life. When you broke up with Victoria I hugged you as if you'd won the Triwizard Tournament, don't you recall? And when that Ravenclaw girl asked me to dance at the ball in fifth year I hurt her feelings by turning her down, and I felt horrible for it but I had to, you see, lest you get the wrong idea. Last year I knitted you a sweater for your birthday like a lovesick ninny and two months ago I brought up the fact that we may have to share a bed during our travels and you _beamed_ at me as if that was what you were looking forward to most!"  
  
Albus was huffing when he finished his speech, and Elphias' eyes were two galleons, wide and glossy. He thought of the afternoon when Albus had discussed the possibility of sharing a bed in some of the more remote regions they planned to travel, and he tried to recall his reaction. He'd laughed, hadn't he? It was funny, wasn't it? Two boys in the same bed? Funny, queer, et cetera. Elphias stepped backward.  
  
"Albus," he said, and then he didn't know how to continue. He fell back, his arse narrowly missing the tree trunk they'd been sitting on and sliding to the ground instead.  
  
"Are you in the process of fainting?" Albus asked, kneeling down. Elphias shook his head.  
  
"My fingers are tingling," he observed blandly.  
  
"They are?" Albus asked. Elphias had never heard such naive hope flood into Albus' voice. It was distressing. Albus reached for his hand, but Elphias pulled away. What was Albus expecting him to do about all this nonsense? Grab his ears and knock him over backward with a kiss?  
  
"I suppose I was hoping that our trip could be more than a gap year romp," Albus said, sitting beside him but not too close, as if Elphias were a wild animal who startled easily.  
  
"You were hoping it would be a _gay_ year?" Elphias said with a disbelieving scoff, his vision still blurred. Though Albus wasn't touching him, he felt the change in the air beside him when he went stiff with rejection. Elphias bit down on his tongue. He simply couldn't accept the fact that Albus was serious. But what if he was? But how could that be possible?  
  
"I thought," Albus said, pressing his hands over his robes to smooth away wrinkles that were not there. "I thought -- since you've never -- well, you haven't had many girls, just the one, and that was, and I thought --"  
  
"Plenty of boys don't have girls at school!" Elphias shouted, jumping up. His heart had caught up with the rest of him and it was beating savagely in his chest. "It doesn't mean they don't want them! I didn't have girls after me all the time the way you have -- oh, I should have known! Listen, I didn't even know you knitted that sweater, I thought you forgot to buy me something so you just wrapped up one of your old ones!"  
  
Albus closed his eyes. A pair of fat tears rolled down his cheeks and dripped off of his chin while Elphias stood in shock, not knowing if he should run or throw his arms around his friend to comfort him. He would rather the latter, but he didn't want to give him the wrong idea.  
  
"I'm sorry, Albus," Elphias said, scratching the back of his head. "I think you're -- incredible, like everyone, but --"  
  
"Oh, like everyone, of course!" Albus wiped his eyes with his robes and glowered up at Elphias like he was ready to take it all back. "Everyone knows how fabulously talented and wise beyond his years that Dumbledore boy is, yes, yes, it's very well established. But I thought you were different, _oh_ , I wanted you to be different!" He broke into tears again, and again Elphias struggled not to fall down beside him and gather him up.  
  
"You were always touching me," Albus cried. "As if I were like you, just another student, not some walking monument to greatness. And you were always saying the wrong thing and joking and never trying to win me over. You always just knew that you already had me, oh, Elphias, I thought that you _knew_."  
  
"I didn't know any of this!" Elphias said, indignant at the thought that he'd been expected to. "Oh, stop crying, won't you? This is all too strange to bear."  
  
Albus brought the sleeve of his robe up to his face and sucked in his breath as if he were drawing air from the fabric. When he lifted his face again the sight of his ruined eyes and blotchy cheeks made Elphias feel as if he'd lost the ability to breathe himself.  
  
"I'm so sorry to have burdened you," Albus said. "You may leave me to my strangeness now, as it's clear you have nothing to offer me."  
  
"Don't say such things!" Elphias said. His body felt like it was emptying out, like dark wizards had snuck up behind him to cast spells that were designed to steal everything he had and leave him hollow. "I have a lot to offer you, Albus, you're my closest friend and I can't live without your company --"  
  
"You're only saying so because you don't want your damn summer plans spoiled." Albus stood and took a breath as if to steady himself. Elphias had never seen him cry before and wasn't surprised when he quickly reined himself in.  
  
"No!" Elphias said, though he was already mourning the trip that was now surely spoiled. "We were to be Aurors together, Albus, and share a flat in London --"  
  
"Well, I've ruined all of that now, haven't I?" Albus said. He began to walk out of the meadow and Elphias followed, tripping over stones and twigs in his eagerness. "Now you know I want you not just in my flat but in my bed, and neither you nor I will ever be able to forget it."  
  
Elphias stopped in his tracks, paralyzed by the sentiment. Albus walked on without looking back, and Elphias sincerely feared that he'd been turned to stone by those words, a powerful spell Albus had crafted himself: _I want you in my bed_. Elphias had no idea what went on between two men who shared a bed -- he had only a vague concept about what went on between and man and a woman -- and he could only get as far as imagining Albus' bare, freckled shoulder protruding from beneath the blankets before he shook the thoughts away. When he had freed himself from his temporary imprisonment there in the meadow, Albus was gone.  
  
*  
  
Elphias skipped the Three Broomsticks that night and shut himself up in the empty room in Gryffindor Tower that he shared with Albus and two other chaps. He closed his bed curtains and lay on his back, staring at the canopy over his bed and waiting for the sound of anyone approaching. The whole Tower was quiet; everyone was either out celebrating the end of the school year or had already taken the first train home after the feast. The quiet felt like an enemy, and Elphias was tempted to take his wand from the bedside table and clutch it against his chest in case something sprung out of the darkness to attack him.  
  
His chest was heaving and he had no hope of sleep. Albus in love with him all along. How preposterous! Elphias was still waiting for someone to throw his bed curtains open and tell him he'd only been involved in a fantastic prank. It was true that Albus' lack of attention to the opposite sex had seemed odd at times, but Elphias had always assumed he was simply too preoccupied with his studies to make time for girls. The rest of Albus' so-called hints of his true feelings were all normal friendship-related activities, as far as Elphias was concerned. Exchanging gifts, making plans together, occasionally grasping each other's hands or shoulders or arms. Albus was mad to think that anything more had been going on. It eventually occurred to Elphias that he hadn't _thought_ but merely _hoped_ , and he continued to feel horrible for the way he had behaved in the meadow, but what else could he have done? It would have been an insult to both of them if he'd tried to hide his profound shock.  
  
Elphias heard Benjamin Tuttle and Marcus Courtland return together after an indiscernible amount of time, and he listened jealously as they laughed and teased each other all the way to their separate beds. Things would never be that way with Albus again. It was almost dawn by the time Albus returned; Elphias recognized the soft way he always shut the door and the elegant pad of his footsteps across the thick carpet. He ached to throw his bed curtains open and beg Albus to forget everything that had happened in the meadow. Elphias was willing to try. They could still have their trip, and Albus would eventually fancy someone else. Maybe even a girl. Probably he was just dreadfully confused. Something to do with his turbulent family life, certainly.  
  
He listened as Albus prepared for bed and then pulled his own curtains shut. Before this terrible incident that had split them apart, Elphias had often crept across the room after the others were asleep and drawn Albus' curtains back to whisper some news or idea or plan for their trip that he'd forgotten to tell him about during the day. Thinking of the way Albus had smiled up at him when he did this made him sick with regret. Was it perhaps his own fault that Albus had fixated on him in such an unhealthy way? What was that nonsense about touching him all the time? Did he really? What of it, if so?  
  
Elphias slept horribly, and what little rest he could manage was broken up before sunrise by a commotion in the room. He grumbled in annoyance and sat up, the memories of what had happened the day before spilling back into him like filthy black water and ruining the new day in advance. He rubbed his eyes and recognized several of the voices that had woken him: Albus and the head of their house, Professor Perryman.  
  
"Please, Albus," Perryman said, whispering. "We should discuss this out in the common room."  
  
"What's happened?" Albus was frantic; Elphias had the horrible notion that perhaps Albus suspected he'd turned him in to the professors for the crime of perversion.  
  
"It's some very bad news, I'm afraid." That was Madame Humphrey, the school nurse. "Please just come with us and we'll explain."  
  
Elphias could hear the sound of Albus' labored breathing, and he poked his head out from his bed curtains to show him that he wasn't afraid to face him, that he didn't have anything to hide. Albus cast a terrified look back at him as Professor Perryman and Madame Humphrey led him from the room.  
  
When they were gone, Elphias catapulted himself out of bed and dressed in a hurry. He went out to the hall and peeked down from the landing into the common room, where Albus was sitting on an ottoman and looking rather green as Madame Humphrey spoke to him in a hushed voice.  
  
"A terrible accident," she said. "I'm so sorry, dear. I'm sure you'll want to go home at once."  
  
"Do you need help gathering your things?" Perryman asked. He looked uncomfortable. Albus seemed to still be half-asleep, though Elphias knew that he never had trouble waking and was always fully alert and conscious as soon as he was out of bed.  
  
"I -- I can get my things myself," Albus said after a few moments and an anxious glance between Perryman and Humphrey. He stood, and Humphrey seemed reluctant to release his arm from her sympathetic grasp.  
  
"Can I get you anything, dear?" she asked as Albus slumped away from her. "A Calming Draught? Some tea -- a hot toddy, perhaps?"  
  
"No, thank you," Albus said. He reached the stairs, and Elphias slunk back into the shadows to wait for him. When Albus walked into the hall he saw Elphias lurking there and stared at him. His face was much whiter than usual.  
  
"What's happened?" Elphias whispered. "Are you in some sort of trouble?" He hoped to communicate with his tone that he was fully prepared to be of assistance, regardless of the previous day's fiasco.  
  
"My mother," Albus said. He stared at Elphias as if he should be able to guess the rest. "There was an accident at the house. She's dead."  
  
Again, Elphias waited for Albus to indicate that the wild claims he was making were not true, but instead he just walked around Elphias toward their room.  
  
"Wait!" Elphias grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. It was much easier than usual; Albus was bigger than Elphias but currently limp with shock. "Oh -- I'm so sorry -- oh, Albus -- do you know what happened?"  
  
"I have a guess," Albus said. His eyes passed right through Elphias as if he was speaking to the wall, and Elphias felt a chill at the reminder of Albus' sister and the danger she posed to everyone around her. Surely it hadn't been the girl who killed her mother? It was too horrible to imagine.  
  
"I'll come home with you," Elphias said. He wouldn't want Albus to have to face his sneering older brother and that wild girl alone. Albus shook his head slowly, and his eyes at last seemed to focus on Elphias' face.  
  
"No." He pulled out of Elphias' grip. "Just leave me alone."  
  
"Albus!" Elphias followed him down the hall, his fists curling and uncurling with frustration, as if his own need to comfort Albus was as important as Albus' need to be comforted. Albus did a good job of ignoring him and acting as if he were sleepwalking. He began packing his things into his trunk, and Elphias scrambled to help him. It had been years since he'd seen Albus voluntarily do something that could be done with magic by hand, and it was a startling sight.  
  
"You are not coming with me," Albus said as they worked.  
  
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, of course I am!"  
  
"I cannot be near you right now, Elphias," Albus said, the pressure in his voice coiling tighter.  
  
"Why not? Who cares what happened yesterday, Albus? Bugger that, this is important."  
  
"What happened yesterday was important to me," Albus said. Elphias had never seen the pale blue in his eyes look so dangerous. For the first time he imagined Albus not as his laughing Auror chum but as a deadly force who would quickly outrank him.  
  
"But you can't be alone," Elphias said weakly. Albus slammed the trunk shut, nearly crushing the lid onto Elphias' thumbs.  
  
"I won't be alone," Albus said. "And even if I should be, having you there would hardly matter."  
  
"How can you say that to me?" Elphias asked, still on his knees as Albus stood to levitate his trunk. By now, Benjamin and Marcus had peeked out from their bed curtains to see what was going on. "You can't hate me just for not -- for not --" Elphias was whispering now but still couldn't quite articulate what Albus wanted from him, the only image he could conjure that of a large bed with seedy red sheets.  
  
"You think that's why I'm angry?" Albus asked, not bothering to whisper. "No, Elphias, I couldn't hate you for not reacting the way I'd hoped you would. But I never expected -- I -- I feel as if I don't know you at all, as if I never did. I've been wrong about everything all along."  
  
"And that's my fault?" Elphias shouted, withholding a remark about Albus' inability to accept that he could ever possibly be wrong about anything.  
  
"Perhaps it is my fault," Albus said. His face was blank, and he looked like the sort of untouchable statue of a person that he had lamented becoming the day before. "In fact, I'm inclined to believe that it is. But I'm afraid that doesn't change the fact that I no longer want you anywhere near me." He stormed out of the room with his trunk following, and Elphias scoffed at his attempted escape, undeterred.  
  
Ignoring the questions of his suite mates, Elphias ran after Albus, all the way out to the field in front of the castle, where Albus Apparated away. Elphias Apparated as well, and landed on his feet in the town square of Godric's Hollow. He'd been there to visit Albus a few times before, and had met his mother only once during his seven years of friendship with Albus. She was a dark, brooding woman who had looked at Elphias as if he were an intruder in her home.  
  
He ran through the streets of the town, hoping that he would remember how to reach Albus' house once he saw a few familiar landmarks. It was a charming little village, the lanterns still lit as the sun began to rise lazily over the eastern hills. Elphias almost ran right past the Dumbledore household, which was set back from the main road in a glen that might have been cheerful, had the house within it not been in such blatant disrepair. A pair of fine brooms were leaning against the front gate, and Elphias recognized the gold badges stamped into their handles as he came closer: inspectors from the Ministry.  
  
"Albus!" he shouted as he ran into the house. It was dark inside, and it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the somber scene in the sitting room. Albus was staring at him in infuriated shock, Aberforth was opposite him, looking as if his desire to kill Elphias was stronger than Albus' by tenfold, and the two inspectors were watching him with expressions of dull interest, as if he had come to explain the case to them.  
  
"Elphias," Albus said, his voice so tight that Elphias wondered how he was managing to breathe. "Not now."  
  
"I'll just wait in your room, then," Elphias bellowed, as if he belonged there. He slunk past the grim onlookers and heard Aberforth telling the inspectors that he was a pesky neighbor boy. When he reached Albus' bedroom he gladly shut the door behind him.  
  
Albus' room looked no different than it had last time he'd been to Godric's Hollow. The curtains were musty and moth-nibbled, and the ceiling was still enchanted to match the weather outside. Elphias leaned back onto Albus' bed to watch the sun rise to match the light that was coming in through the window. He did not allow himself to consider the fact that he had willingly placed himself in Albus' bed. His heart was racing, and he struggled to keep the sobering news that Albus had just lost his mother firmly in mind.  
  
When Albus finally entered, the ferocity of his expression had come to almost match Aberforth's. Elphias was simply glad that he'd come alone. He heard the graceful _whoosh_ of the Inspectors flying away outside.  
  
"Did they determine what happened?" Elphias asked. He leaned up onto his elbows and then sat up straight when his posture seemed too lewd for the occasion.  
  
"No." Albus slammed the door behind him. "Thankfully."  
  
"Thankfully? I mean what happened to your mother, Albus."  
  
"Yes, I know. What happened was an accident." Albus leaned back against his bedroom door and slid down until he was sitting on the floor, his eyes unfocused and his arms slack at his sides. "Ariana was involved."  
  
"Involved?" Elphias felt sick to his stomach. He stayed on the bed, though he wanted to go to Albus and hold his hands or his knees or his ears, some part of him.  
  
"Where is Ariana now?" Elphias asked. He'd never seen the girl, but he'd heard plenty of stories about what she was capable of. He tried to imagine the sort of power Albus had if it was completely unleashed and wild; it was a terrifying thought.  
  
"She's locked in the basement," Albus said. "You're safe," he added bitterly when Elphias let out his breath in relief.  
  
"You've said yourself that she shouldn't be here, that your mother and brother --" Elphias stopped himself at the mention of Albus' mother. He crossed the room, but Albus scrambled to stand up as he approached.  
  
"I told you not to come," Albus said. The room went dark as if a cloud had passed over the sun. Elphias looked up at the ceiling and saw that rain clouds were gathering there, though outside the day was still clear.  
  
"Please," Elphias said, reaching for Albus, who only batted his hands away. "I don't want you to be alone."  
  
"I'll always feel alone when I look at you now," Albus said, his voice suddenly snatched up. He turned away from Elphias to hide his tears.  
  
"Albus," Elphias said, his own eyes beginning to water. "I don't know what you want from me."  
  
"Fine, then." Albus was still turned away from him. "I'll show you."  
  
Elphias had no idea what he could mean by that, and even as Albus grabbed him and fell onto him he was expecting a slap or a bite more than a kiss. He went rigid in Albus' hands, and kept his eyes open as Albus, whose eyes were shut and still wet, licked across his bottom lip again, and again, and again. Elphias' eyes fell shut as Albus' tongue slid between his parting lips, but then something shifted at the center of him and he yelped in alarm, shoving Albus away.  
  
"Stop that!" he huffed, his breath and vision and even his skin shattered. He couldn't get his bearings, and he stumbled against the wall, turned away from Albus. "You're mad," he said, still breathless, not sure if he was speaking to Albus or himself.  
  
"I suppose I am," Albus said, his voice a beaten ghost of a thing. Elphias clung to the wall as if it had handles, afraid to look at Albus. He heard the door open.  
  
"You had better go," Albus said. "Go on that trip you were so excited about. There's no place for me there and I don't want you here."  
  
Elphias didn't move. He was shaking in a profound, full-body sort of way that he had never before experienced. He didn't trust that he could move, and he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to go.  
  
"Get out!" Albus screamed, and a crack of lightening split across the blackening ceiling above them. Elphias ran out into the hall blindly, and once he was back in the twittering light of the summer morning, he Apparated away with a crack, as if the lightning had followed him and struck.  
  
*  
  
Letter composed on June 4, 1899 and sent on June 14, 1899:  
  
 _Dear Albus,  
  
I am presently on the North American continent, in the southernmost desert of Nevada. Have met several wizards. The most fascinating magic on the continent thus far is practiced by the natives. Unfortunately, I have not yet encountered one who speaks a word of English. They have been kind, however. I am learning things.  
  
Hope all is well with you.  
Your friend,  
Elphias Doge_  
  
Letter received on June 21, 1899:  
  
 _Elphias,  
  
I find it quite amusing that you signed your letter to me with both your first and surnames, as if I have already mixed you in with the many Elphiases in my life and require a qualifier. I mentioned this to my friend Gellert and he agreed that it was rather hilarious that a friend of seven years would sign a curt letter regarding his travels with both of his names. Gellert is staying with a neighbor friend for the summer and has become a very dear companion of mine in a very short period. It is funny how friendships come and go, yes? He is the most intellectually fascinating and emotionally complex wizard I have ever met, and I never would have expected someone so complementary to my own tastes to drop into my lap during a dull summer at home, but I feel almost that something like fate had a hand in our meeting. At any rate, do not worry that I am lonely; it is I who am concerned about you, actually. Isn't it a bit tedious, traveling alone? Particularly when your companions apparently do not speak your language? I am, however, pleased to hear that you are learning things. Hopefully by this you meant spells and charms and not varieties of American and native pipe weed.  
  
All my best,  
Albus (Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, to clarify)_  
  
Letter composed on June 21, 1899, unsent:  
  
 _To Albus "Pale White Butt-licking" Dumbledore,  
  
I am so sorry to have offended your delicate sensibilities by daring to do something so bold and thoughtless as to sign my full name to a letter. Forgive me, and please pass my forgiveness along to your soul mate "Gellert," who I'm sure is in fact a real boy who coincidentally moved into the house next to yours the moment I left and proceeded to impress you and declare his undying devotion to you as you have apparently done to him. Yes, I'm quite sure I'm the one running around and wasting my time smoking and drinking and that you are home having fabulous intellectual discussions with a wizard of your caliber (finally! it must be such a relief!) and not simply writing spiteful letters to someone who has got on with his life while you sit home and invent imaginary friends in an infantile attempt to make said person who has left you behind jealous. I hope you and "Gellert," which does not sound at all like a name you invented while you were pissed on firewhiskey, have a wonderful summer - nay, life!! -- together.  
  
\--E.D._  
  
Letter composed on June 22 and sent the following afternoon:  
  
 _Albus,  
  
Good on you for making friends. How lucky. I am currently in Antarctica with the team of research wizards we wrote to back in March. They are studying the magical properties of the Northern Lights and I'm sure you would find it quite fascinating. My warming charms grow weaker every day as I forget what the feeling of warmth was like and therefore have trouble conjuring it. I'm sure this is hilarious to you. I will be moving on soon to Japan. It is a pity that you did not join me because that, if I recall, was the country you were most looking forward to visiting. I shall have to bring back a kimono for you.  
  
(ha ha. That was a joke.)  
  
Best,  
Elphias_  
  
Letter received on July 7, 1899:  
  
 _Dear Elphias,  
  
I am in receipt of your letter of several weeks ago. Forgive me, old friend, for not responding sooner, but it has been a surprisingly busy summer! I am sure when you read that you will imagine me having the sort of great adventures and fantastic travels that you spent your school days fantasizing about as you imagined the life of an Auror, but my adventures have been of a different sort. I spend most days and go very late into most evenings just talking, but the hours fly in a way that makes me mourn the sunsets. Gellert and I have discussed every facet of magical history and government and theory, and I never felt stimulated like this even during my studies at Hogwarts. Oh, Elphias, I wish I could describe this feeling in a way that you could understand. I want to apologize to you for projecting all of my angst onto you for so many years and for expecting you to understand it when I foolishly followed my desire to talk about my feelings with you openly. Now that I have experienced the exhilarating connection of true friendship, I find myself feeling so selfish for trying to manufacture something similar with you. You and I were in a comfortable old rut of mundane misunderstanding, and we might have gone on that way forever if you hadn't told me so bluntly and helpfully that things between us were never as I imagined. I thank you for that, old friend! Now that I have known the joy of true friendship I can say unequivocally: I was wrong to want anything more from you than the amicable camaraderie we shared as school boys. I apologize for gushing, but it is in my nature to make amends now that I feel as though my mind has been cleared of the troublesome emotional clutter that once hobbled me.  
  
I expect you have made it to China by now? Do bring back some green tea for me if you can manage!  
  
All my best,  
Albus_  
  
Partial letter composed on July 9, unsent:  
  
 _I am indeed in China. I was planning to leave for Russia on the day I received your letter, but since I read it I have been in a state of anguish and shock unlike anything I have ever experienced, and I dare'nt risk Apparition. I'm sure you meant to hurt me, but even so. How could you, Albus? How could you dismiss me that way even in the darkest moment of whatever spite you harbor? I may be disinterested in residing in your bed, as perhaps this other fellow does, but I have always been a good and true friend to you and we have always_  
  
Letter composed on July 9, unsent:  
  
 _Albus,  
  
Congratulations on achieving "true" friendship. I am so sorry to have wasted your time with my pale imitation. Perhaps someday I will be mature and wise enough to enjoy the kind of transcendental relationship you describe. May you and Gilliam or whatever his name is go on talking and talking until you've solved all the world's problems together.  
  
Your Former and Apparently Always Inadequate Friend,  
Elphias _  
  
Letter composed over a period from July 10 through July 15, 1899, and sent on July 17, 1899:  
  
 _Dear Albus,  
  
I am so happy to hear your news. I will not accept your apology for your "angst," however (I am in fact not even entirely sure what you mean by that). You've no need to apologize for anything. I apologize for being daft and cruel and dull and for making you feel as if you had to continue to put up with me. You said once that you loved me, but you've clearly now realized that you actually did not.  
  
I feel as though I had something else to say but it's been several days and I cannot come up with anything.  
  
Best wishes in all your future endeavors,  
Elphias_  
  
Letter received on July 19, 1899:  
  
 _Dear Elphias,  
  
I have received your letter dated July 17 and it has preoccupied my thoughts for a full day now. My dear friend Gellert has grown annoyed with my distraction and has advised me to respond with nothing short of straightforward honesty.  
  
You were clearly hurt by my previous letter, and I must admit that that was my intention, though I did not believe my childish plot would work, as I thought I meant so little to you that being dismissed by me would scarcely affect you at all. I have to also admit that I was glad to be proven wrong about that, and though I felt extreme guilt upon receiving your letter there was also a fair measure of satisfaction, as if I had taken my revenge upon you. I don't think I am skilled enough with language to ever possibly convey how much you hurt me on the afternoon of the Leaving Feast. Yes, I would have been hurt by even the gentlest rejection, but your shock and horror at my admission was filtered through nothing that felt like concern for my feelings or the protective instincts of a close friend. I did not think that you could possibly inflict any more pain upon me, until the incident in Godric's Hollow on the following afternoon.  
  
So I wanted to hurt you, Elphias, and apparently I have. My goal achieved, I am left with the feeling of emptiness that I should have expected. Gellert and I have been discussing my feelings for you and by talking about it I have been able to work my way through much of the lingering pain. I apologize for my hurtful letter and my base desire for revenge. I no longer harbor any ill will toward you, though of course I still have at least a modicum of resentment that I must take responsibility for. I think that, in time, we could be friends again. But it will indeed take time, and I hope that when I see you again I will have outgrown the pettiness that caused me to insincerely dismiss the years we had together at Hogwarts in my last letter. Those years will always be dear to me, Elphias, whatever ultimately became of them.  
  
Please take care of yourself, and do not hesitate to write again. I enjoy hearing of your travels.  
  
Albus Dumbledore_  
  
Letter composed on July 21, 1899, unsent:  
  
 _Dear Albus,  
  
Take your bloody magnanimity and shove it up your arse. I don't need your forgiveness or your reflections or anything from you at all.  
  
Speaking of things going up your arse, I had a wank to the thought of you last night. I pounded your rosy arse and you loved it. Ha ha.  
  
Elphias Doge_  
  
Letter composed and sent on July 30, 1899:  
  
 _Dear Albus,  
  
Thank you for your letter. How I did always love having you explain the obvious to me. I am currently in Venice and the weather is beautiful. I've heard the summer in England has been cold and wet. Pity. I met a witch named Samara in India and she has been traveling with me since then. She speaks perfect English and we get along famously. I'm rather thinking of asking her to marry me. She's very traditional and an excellent cook. Mum would have a fit if I married a foreigner, but we can't help who we love, can we? Speaking of that, have you married your darling Gellert yet? Ha ha.  
  
My congratulations to you both, if so,  
Elphias Doge_  
  
Letter composed and sent on August 2, 1899:  
  
 _Dear Elphias,  
  
I showed your last letter to Gellert and he quite agrees with me that I should not have to put up with jokes about what I "am" and the nature of my relationship with him. If you want to hear it put frankly: yes, that relationship is sexual in nature, though it is also much more than that, and having it reduced to a crude joke in your letters is not something that I feel like I have to take even from a friend I've had so long as you. Gellert feels it is particularly insensitive given what transpired between us just before our friendship ended.  
  
It is very sad for me to admit that it has, in fact, ended. I began this letter with the intention of pleading that you try to remain civil in our communications or risk losing me as even an acquaintance forever, but as I sit writing it I'm becoming more and more angry and I don't see why you should be given that chance.  
  
So, farewell, Elphias. I wish you luck with your plan to marry a "traditional" woman, whatever on earth that means, and I hope you will wish Gellert and me luck with our own plans, which are glorious indeed. I would attempt to explain them to you, but you always had a fondness for our Muggleborn classmates, and I suspect you would completely miss the logic of what I have come to believe and present me with some base sentimental objections. Perhaps someday we will pass on the street and nod politely.  
  
Until then, I remain,  
Albus Dumbledore_  
  
Letter composed and sent on August 2, 1899:  
  
 _Albus, you fool. This is the first time all summer that I have believed your companion "Gellert" to be an actual person and not just a figment of your imagination. You've taken up with a supremacist, haven't you? Like father, like son, Albus? You were once so ashamed to even be related to someone who took up with that sort, even though your father's impetus for that line of thinking was extreme grief and anger, something at least more respectful than desperation and lust.  
  
As upset as I am, I am also worried. I still care for you, Albus. Perhaps you and Gellert will laugh uproariously at this declaration as you surely read my letter together, but I have come to know this quite well over the past months without you. If I passed you on the street I would not nod politely and go about my business. I would stand still and watch you pass me by with bitter disdain, and then I would turn the corner and weep for what I lost.  
  
I have realized, at last, that what has happened to us was all my fault. A slow learner, as ever. Laugh it up, I suppose.  
  
Yours always,  
Elphias _  
  
Letter received on August 17, 1899:  
  
 _Elphias  
  
Come home at once.  
  
I need you.  
  
Albus_

_*  
_

  
Elphias Apparated to Godric's Hollow the moment he received Albus' letter. After what had transpired between them throughout the summer, there was no doubt in his mind that Albus would not issue such an appeal unless the circumstances were dire indeed.  
  
When he arrived at the Dumbledore household he took a quick appraisal of the place: the yard was a bit more overgrown than it had earlier in the summer, but otherwise the house looked just the same. The roof was still caving in over the back left corner and the gnomes were still running rampant through the yard. Elphias kicked several of them away on the way to the door, and when he pounded it on it he found that it was slightly ajar. It creaked open just a bit, only darkness visible from within.  
  
"Albus?" Elphias called, flinging the door open. He was out of breath, as if he'd run from Germany rather than Apparated. As soon as he'd laid eyes on Albus' letter he felt as if he'd been waiting for it all summer, knowing it would come, and that he would barely reach Albus in time.  
  
He made his way into the house and whispered _Lumos_ , raising his wand for some light. The scene before him took his breath away entirely. There were blackened spots on the walls where spells had struck and incinerated the wallpaper. Furniture was overturned or smashed to bits. Two windows were broken, the curtains ripped.  
  
"Albus!" Elphias called frantically, sorting through the mess to search for blood stains. His breath was short and ragged by the time he came to the back hallway, where several of the family portraits that had been hanging in the hallway had been torn from the wall and smashed onto the floor.  
  
Elphias dashed into Albus' room and found it in relative order compared to the rest of the house. He searched the closet and looked under the bed, but there was no sign of Albus. He went to Aberforth's room next, but it was empty and smelt of mold, as if no one had been there for some time. Finally he checked the bedroom that had once belonged to Albus' parents, but it was pristine, as if it hadn't been touched since Albus' mother died.  
  
When there was only one place left in the house to check, Elphias steeled himself and approached its door. The basement where the off-kilter sister resided had once been boarded up and locked, but now the door hung open. Elphias pulled it open further with a shaking hand and looked down into the pitch black basement. An odor he was unfamiliar with rose up to greet him. It wasn't decay, exactly, something sharper and almost clean, but in an uncanny way.  
  
"Hello?" Elphias called down the staircase as he slowly descended it, the light of his wand shaking horribly in his trembling hand. "Is anyone down here? Albus? A-Ariana?"  
  
"I'm here," someone said weakly, and for a moment Elphias thought it was the girl, his blood cooling at the thought of being alone in an enclosed space with her, but when he whipped his wand around in the direction the voice had come from it was Albus he found sitting on a prim little girl's bed with a white frame and pale pink sheets.  
  
"Albus!" Elphias exhaled in relief and ran to him. He couldn't see well in the small light from his wand, but Albus looked incredibly ill. Elphias set his wand down on the bed beside Albus and pulled him up from the bed, into his arms. He sighed against Albus' shoulder and crushed his arms around him, sucking in the smell of him. Albus was damp with sweat and limp for just a moment, then his arms curled slowly around Elphias' shoulders.  
  
"You came," Albus said, his voice still so small that it was nearly unrecognizable.  
  
"Of course I did," Elphias said, struggling not to weep openly. He had finally allowed himself to realize, toward the end of his lonely and aimless journey, that he missed Albus so much that he felt he'd been shorn in half without him, but not until he'd seen him again did he know how much he'd not only needed him but wanted him. It was hard not to say all of this aloud, and he pulled his chin from Albus' shoulder to have a look around the dark basement.  
  
"What are you doing down here?" Elphias asked, still holding Albus tightly, as if one or both of them would drown if they released each other. "Is your sister here?"  
  
"She's dead," Albus said with a lightness that made Elphias' skin prickle. He stepped back a bit to look Albus in the face. In the deep shadows cast by the light from his wand Albus looked positively ghoulish. He had a cut on his lip and a bruise on his cheekbone.  
  
"Dead?" Elphias said, feeling stupid. Lately it seemed as if Albus was always suffering some tremendous crisis and Elphias was always floundering uselessly in response. "But how?"  
  
"Gellert," Albus said.  
  
Elphias felt something cold and hard lock around him. It was not quite rage but something righteous and unforgiving. He swallowed it up and touched Albus' moist face.  
  
"Let's go upstairs," Elphias said softly. "Into the light."  
  
Albus allowed Elphias to guide him to the stairs and then up into the house. Elphias kicked the basement door shut behind him and carefully deposited Albus into a soft-looking chair in the sitting room. Albus melted into it like he'd lost his bones. Elphias knelt down in front of him.  
  
"Is he gone?" Elphias asked. "Is it safe?"  
  
Albus looked as if he didn't know how to begin to answer that question. He shut his eyes.  
  
"He'll never come back," he said.  
  
"Do you want to -- talk about what happened?" Elphias asked. Albus shook his head emphatically and Elphias nodded, grateful for this. He went to the kitchen and found a suitably clean dish towel, wet it in the sink and returned to Albus, who was watching him like he was afraid he would disappear. Elphias dabbed the along Albus' damp hair line, then cleaned his cheeks and his neck. He'd never before realized how smooth and soft Albus' skin was, as if he'd never been touched. But he had, of course. By that Gellert. Now proven to be a murderer. Elphias swallowed his fury again, and knelt before Albus to grasp his hands.  
  
"Are you hungry?" Elphias asked. "Thirsty?"  
  
"I could do with a glass of juice," Albus said. His eyes watered and then went blank again. Elphias almost lost his own composure at the sight, and he understood, without being told, that Albus had witnessed his sister's death.  
  
"Where is Aberforth?" Elphias asked, reaching up as the glass of juice he'd summoned from the kitchen sailed toward him. He caught it and handed it to Albus, who drank three small sips before answering his question.  
  
"Gone," Albus said simply. "Never wants to see me again."  
  
"Surely he doesn't --!" Elphias stopped sort of _hold you responsible_. He was sure that Albus himself did, no matter what the circumstances of his sister's death had been.  
  
"Let's get away from here," Elphias said. "I'll take you back to my parents' house in Thackery."  
  
Albus shook his head. "I couldn't bear to see your family right now," he said. "Everything normal and happy -- no, no. I couldn't bear to see anyone but you."  
  
"Oh, Albus!" Elphias exclaimed, leaning up to embrace him. "You don't deserve any of this sadness," he said, stroking Albus' hair, which had grown long in the back. Albus exhaled heavily onto Elphias' shoulder and locked his arms around him. Elphias felt a disturbing surge of happiness that didn't fit the scene. He had Albus with him, finally. He finally had Albus in his arms.  
  
He helped Albus to bed and took stock of the pantry while Albus rested. There was nothing much, and Elphias was beginning to get hungry himself. He sent an owl to his parents' house elf, asking him to fetch some supplies and bring them to Godric's Hollow at once. His parents might see the note and become suspicious, but that was the least of his worries at the moment. Albus was a broken shell of himself, and Elphias wouldn't rest until he was restored, even if that meant Albus remembered to hate him.  
  
He put together a simple tea with the supplies the house elf delivered and brought it into Albus' room after he had been asleep for an hour. Albus was turned toward the wall, his trousers sagging and his shirt untucked, and Elphias could see a snatch of skin at his back and two knobs along the curve of his spine. He stood with the tray he'd prepared hovering in front of him and tried to distract himself from the urge to rub his fingernails lightly over Albus' back for the rest of the evening. But why shouldn't he? It might comfort him. It would certainly comfort Elphias.  
  
"Here's some tea," he whispered, approaching the bed. Albus stirred as if a shot had rung out, and Elphias was quick to his side. He placed a hand on Albus' chest to steady him, and Albus gazed up at him, breathing hard.  
  
"It was horrible," Albus said, still partly asleep, his voice cracking.  
  
"I know," Elphias said, though he didn't really. He propped Albus up against the headboard with two feather pillows and handed him a tea cup.  
  
"I don't know how to live anymore," Albus said, his tea cup trembling in his hand. "I don't know what I'll do. They're all gone. I'm all alone, Elphias, I haven't got anything --"  
  
"What do you call me?" Elphias asked, pretending to be offended. "I'm something you've got, aren't I?"  
  
Albus looked at him from someplace hollow and far away, as if he didn't quite recognize him.  
  
"Drink up," Elphias said before he could answer the question. "It'll help you get your strength back. And look, I've made you toast and these are three different spreads. You like lemon curd, don't you?"  
  
"It's my favorite," Albus said, gazing down at the dainty container with its little spoon.  
  
"I know," Elphias said, and he had to push down a sob that nearly came up with the words. He watched Albus take a tentative sip of tea and then a bite of toast. Albus had always been so strong and sure, and it was perverse to see him trembling and struggling to swallow toast, but perhaps he deserved a chance to break down. He'd certainly been through enough, and Elphias didn't expect him to be stony and unaffected. As he watched Albus take his tea he felt for the first time since second year that they were the same age, that Albus was just a hopeless boy who needed someone to look after him, same as Elphias.  
  
"Would you like me to read to you?" Elphias asked when the tray had been sent back to the kitchen. Albus settled down onto his pillows and shook his head. "I'll leave you to rest, then?" Elphias said, disappointed.  
  
"No, stay," Albus said. "Tell me about your trip."  
  
"Oh, Albus, you know it was horrible! What was that word you used? Tedious? It's no good seeing underground cities and eating strange food alone." He made himself stop talking, afraid that he would upset Albus with talk of their disastrous summer apart and those awful letters they exchanged.  
  
"I wish I had come with you," Albus said. "Ariana -- she would still be --"  
  
"It's my fault!" Elphias said before mashing his lips together again. He shook his head. "We shouldn't even speak of it. You need to rest. Do you want -- would you like me to rub your back?" he blurted. His face went red when Albus stared up at him as if he were a curious bird who had suddenly perched on his bedpost.  
  
"Yes," Albus said, averting his eyes as he rolled again toward the wall. Elphias swallowed heavily, regretting the offer somewhat. Albus' shirt had twisted and the lower half of his back was exposed, his skin shining with sweat. It was sweltering in the house, even as the sun began to dip outside. All of the windows were shut. Elphias took out his wand and whispered a cooling spell. Albus shuddered as the chill spread through the air and Elphias and squeezed his side.  
  
"Oh, I missed you," Elphias whispered, the words falling from him like a hiccup. He hoped that Albus was dozing or hadn't heard him. He reached up to rub his fingers lightly over the back of Albus' shirt, stopping when he reached the twisted edge of the fabric. The cooling charm he'd cast had been a bit too strong. He could feel the warmth of Albus' skin through his shirt, and he wanted to press his hand fully over the bare expanse of it at his lower back, but he didn't dare. Instead he pushed his fingers up into Albus' thick hair and scratched at his scalp until Albus sighed in sleepy contentment. Elphias flushed and brought his hand back down to Albus' neck, tickling him there as Albus turned his head to guide Elphias' touch.  
  
"Good?" Elphias asked, the word sticking in his throat. He was beginning to feel strange. During his travels, particularly when he was sampling native pipe weed, he did allow himself -- once or twice -- to imagine what going to bed with Albus would be like. It was a comforting thought as he slept alone in strange lands. He had embraced a few pillows during the colder nights, thinking of him.  
  
"Will you take my shirt off?" Albus asked. He sounded close to sleep. "It's a bit twisted."  
  
"Yes, certainly," Elphias said, beginning to sweat again despite the cooling charm that was also making him shiver. He grasped his wand and prayed that the only disrobing spell he knew could be localized to a particular piece of clothing. He was relatively sure that it could, but still afraid that Albus would end up stark naked and terrified if his wrist slipped. When he cast it and only Albus' shirt disappeared he let out his breath in relief. Albus rolled fully onto his stomach and let out his breath as if he'd been holding it.  
  
"I'm so glad you're here," Albus said, his eyes shut on the pillow as Elphias fingers roamed slowly across his back. The strange, bed-related feeling sunk downward in Elphias, from his stomach to his groin. It was something about the feeling of Albus' skin under his hands, something about wanting more. Maybe his mouth on the back of Albus' neck. His cock seemed to hum in approval, shifting in his shorts as he thought about what Albus' skin would feel like under his lips and against his tongue.  
  
Elphias smashed his eyes shut and shook his head. What a time to be thinking such things! Albus was in crisis, and it was absurd, anyway, the thought of his mouth moving on the back of Albus' neck until he moaned in appreciation. No, no, it was not possible. As soon as Albus was asleep Elphias tore himself from his side and stalked across the room, his vision graying at the edges.  
  
He went into the bathroom with some vague plans to splash cold water on his face, but instead he shut the door behind him and tore the front of his trousers open. He braced himself on the sink basin and kept his eyes shut tight.  
  
"Oh, Albus, yes," he whispered as he pulled himself off, not thinking of anything but the smooth, pale skin on the back of Albus' neck, how it would taste and how sweet and astonished Albus' moans would sound as Elphias felt the low tremble of them under his lips.  
  
He finished with a lot of messy panting and remembered where he was as a crashing load of guilt and confusion seemed to arrive from the direction of the ceiling. He washed his shaking hands and cleaned up the bathroom and then himself, avoiding his own eyes in the mirror that was mounted over the sink basin. Refusing to allow any sort of thought process about what had just happened into his mind, he left the bathroom with a final huff as the last pulses of pleasure seemed to come to the ends of his nerves. He shook his head forcefully and went to the kitchen, where he drank almost a full bottle of milk before slamming it onto the counter breathlessly.  
  
The rest of his evening was spent sitting in the chair Albus had occupied earlier and leaning onto its arm with his hand spread over his face as he watched the light from the window burn to orange and then pale to blue. He had no appetite and could think of nothing except the subject he was trying desperately to avoid. He tried reading a periodical about brewing ale that had likely belonged to Aberforth, but he could only stare at the cover until the sight of it infuriated him and he flung it away. When he finally slept, still slumped in the chair, he dreamed of nothing but Albus' bed. It was a giant world of its own in his dreams, an island where Albus waited for him. Elphias could never quite reach it; he ended up clawing frantically at the bed frame like a dog who wanted to join his master.  
  
He woke up to the sound of shouting and jerked up in the chair, thinking that Gellert had come back to kill Albus. The screams were indeed coming from Albus' bedroom -- they were indeed Albus' screams! Elphias raced through the dark house, knocking into several pieces of ruined furniture and cursing when he fell against the wall as he reached the hallway. He drew his wand and ran into Albus' bedroom ready to duel, but all he found when he arrived was Albus, thrashing in his bed as if he were being attacked by an invisible foe.  
  
"Wait, wait!" Albus shouted, clawing madly at the air. Elphias approached with trepidation, hoping that he wouldn't encounter a force field of magic around the bed, but he was able to sit on it without resistance. He grabbed Albus' flailing hands and pulled him up into a sitting position. Albus gasped and seemed to surrender.  
  
"It's me!" Elphias said. Albus flinched when Elphias touched his cheek. "What's wrong, Albus? Were you dreaming?"  
  
"Elphias," Albus cried, his breath landing in heavy blasts on Elphias' face. "I think I am dreaming."  
  
"No, you were," Elphias said, scooting closer and drawing Albus into his arms. "But you're awake now. This is real." He stroked his thumb over the soft skin under Albus' eye. "This is real," he said again, afraid to believe it himself. Albus was looking at him as if they were in a dream, one of the hopeful imaginings Albus had concocted at Hogwarts or a fantasy of Elphias' from his midnight wanks in darkest Africa.  
  
"I want to go back and do it all differently," Albus said, squeezing Elphias' arms. Elphias nodded, his eyes burning.  
  
"So do I," he said, though he presumed Albus was talking about the events that led to the death of his sister. Elphias was referring to the afternoon in the meadow at Hogwarts, but he supposed that that day was one of those events. He'd driven Albus into the arms of that horrible Gellert. He'd abandoned him.  
  
"I wish I'd never wanted to kiss you," Albus said. "I can remember the first time. It was Herbology class, third year. You cut your finger on the thorn of a brambleshoot plant. You winced and brought your finger up to your lips, sucked at it a bit. I was overcome. I felt that something had been cast upon me and if I didn't break the curse by kissing you I would die. I don't think I've ever wanted anything as much before or since. Which is really a horrible thing, actually. Think of all the more worthy things I might have wanted."  
  
"You're right," Elphias said, blinking away tears. "I haven't been worthy of you. Oh, Albus, why couldn't you love somebody better?"  
  
"I've tried." Albus looked down at his lap. "Failed badly, turns out. I could try again. I suppose someday I will."  
  
"No!" Elphias shouted, so loudly and inappropriately that it nearly took them both out of the moment. Albus looked up with surprise, his eyes wide, and Elphias clamped his hands around Albus' face so hard that he blinked defensively.  
  
"No," Elphias said again, quieter now. "I won't have you loving anyone but me."  
  
Albus opened his mouth, but Elphias didn't want a response. He kissed Albus in a clumsy, falling motion that was nothing like the intoxicating caress Albus had placed on his lips in that same room several months earlier. Albus took a great, surprised breath and went stiff. Elphias was crushed by his reaction, and for just a moment he understood how badly he must have hurt Albus before. Not willing to relent, he bent down and ran just the tip of his tongue from the hollow of Albus' throat up to his jaw line. Albus made the astonished sound Elphias had been dreaming of.  
  
"What are you doing?" Albus asked, whispering as if they would be caught. Elphias shook his head to forbid him from wondering. He licked carefully across Albus' open mouth, and then into it, until he found the tip of Albus' tongue with his own. They groaned in such perfect unison that they both laughed.  
  
"I want you," Elphias said. He wound his fingers into Albus' hair and tipped his head back gently, sitting up straighter to look down into his face. Albus' mouth was still open and his breath was coming fast.  
  
"I've thought about it all summer," Elphias said as Albus stared, first into his eyes and then at his mouth. "Ever since you said you wanted me in your bed. Here I am, Albus, I've come. Now what would you have me do?"  
  
Albus made a weak, wordless sound that was almost a protest and then took a few ragged breaths as if he were considering the question.  
  
"Undress," Albus said, his face so hot that Elphias could feel it like a dull warming charm between them. Elphias reached for his wand and Albus shook his head. "Not like that," he said. "One article at a time. Slowly. Better yet, let me do it."  
  
Something in Elphias objected to this request, though his cock only grew harder when Albus reached up to push his robes off. He felt trapped for just a moment, panicked and ready to change his mind. Albus watched him like he was waiting for a retraction even as he started undoing the buttons on Elphias' shirt.  
  
"Tell me," Elphias said shakily, needing conversation. "Tell me how you touched yourself at Hogwarts, thinking of me while I slept in the bed next to yours. Go on."  
  
" _How_ I did it?" Albus' eyes twinkled in a familiar way that made Elphias' chest ache. "On my elbows and knees with my arse in the air, if you must know."  
  
"Oh." Elphias stared at Albus for a moment, appreciating the fact that the sight of his face had always been such a comfort: in the Great Hall that first year, ensuring that he wouldn't have to sit alone with his horrible Dragon Pox, in the library when Albus appeared to help him with his course work, and before bed in Gryffindor Tower, when Albus would smile at him from across the room as they closed their separate bed curtains. It had been so terrible to see him grieving, and Elphias knew he would see it again. This was only a brief reprieve. In the meantime, he grabbed Albus' ears and knocked him backward onto the bed with a kiss.  
  
Albus continued to undress him, struggling to do so while continuing the kiss. For a moment Elphias felt like they were wrestling, and he laughed into Albus' mouth. Albus laughed as well, and yanked Elphias' trousers down along with his shorts. Elphias' ears turned red once he was fully exposed, his cock completely perpendicular to Albus' stomach. Albus leaned back to look at him, and Elphias scratched at his chest self consciously. He was hardly fit, though he wasn't overweight. He was just sort of _around_ , always had been, and it was baffling that Albus even cared enough to look at him, especially the way he was looking at him now, with his bottom lip heavy and wet.  
  
"I don't know what to do," Elphias admitted, panic rising through him again. Albus sighed.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do anything?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," Elphias said, though his heart was beating so fast that he couldn't hear himself think clearly enough to make conscious decisions. He lay down next to Albus and reached for him. Albus grabbed his wand from the bedside table and removed the remainder of his clothes the old-fashioned way: a muttered spell and they were gone. Elphias' skin flashed hot and cold and back to hot again as Albus scooted into his arms and pressed their bodies together.  
  
"I knew it," Albus whispered. He kissed the very tip of Elphias' short nose. "I knew I was right."  
  
"About what?" Elphias shut his eyes and pressed his face to Albus' cheek.  
  
"About you. But why did you push me away before?"  
  
"I don't know," Elphias said, embarrassed, and a little irritated that Albus had to make a point to declare himself right all along. "Maybe you've just slipped me a love potion since then, hmm?"  
  
"Is that what this feels like to you?" Albus leaned up on one elbow, and Elphias was afraid to look at him for a moment. "Like it's happening against your will? Like you've lost your mind?"  
  
"Yes," Elphias admitted sheepishly. He rolled onto his back and pulled Albus on top of him. They both hissed when their erections press together.  
  
"Well," Albus said. He spread his legs out around Elphias and ground down against him until he moaned, then smiled and did it again. Elphias was dizzy with desire and confusion, prone and nearly liquefied beneath him on the bed. It occurred to him that Albus was experienced in this area and he was not. His heart beat faster and he was afraid he would be sick.  
  
"I suppose I'll take what I can get," Albus said. His eyelids had grown heavy and his cock was leaking onto Elphias' stomach. He moved away and Elphias reached for him, trying to draw him back up. He needed the warm cover of Albus to protect him from whatever was happening. Albus squirmed out of his grip and leaned down to circle his tongue slowly over the head of Elphias' cock. Elphias moaned so loudly that he startled himself, and he stopped trying to pull Albus back up onto him.  
  
They were both spent in under two minutes, some sort of objection to the fact that Albus had swallowed his come lodged in Elphias' throat as he pulled Albus off. He wasn't sure why it bothered him; it felt a bit like Albus had drunk from his life force, but perhaps he was being overly dramatic.  
  
Albus fell asleep quickly after he'd finished, a warm bundle in Elphias' arms. Elphias had never seen him so surrendered and clumsy, snoring a bit and drooling onto Elphias' shoulder. Elphias groped for his wand and cast a fresh cooling charm on the room before pulling the blankets up over both of them. He felt sated and still strange. He wanted badly to get dressed but didn't want to wake Albus, and the spell for putting clothes back _on_ escaped him at the moment, naturally. He shouldn't have leaned on Albus so much at school; he was already forgetting the basic spells.  
  
He lay awake for a long time, fluctuating between blissful contentment and sweat-soaked anxiety. What did this mean? Why had he let himself do it? Had it been worth it? What would Albus be like in the morning? When he needed bracing he touched Albus' neck, where his skin was softest and so warm, his steady pulse pumping under Elphias' fingers. Eventually he left his hand there, cupped around the back at Albus' hairline, and fell asleep.  
  
Morning came quickly and Albus was up with the birds as usual. He sat up and yawned, smiling down at Elphias' bleary expression as if it was not unusual for them to wake up in the same bed. Elphias rolled away and pulled the blanket over his ear, still too tired to contemplate what had happened the night before.  
  
"I'm going to take a bath," Albus said. "Do you want to join me?" He sounded nervous.  
  
"No, thank you," Elphias said. "I'm going to sleep for awhile longer."  
  
"Very well." Albus kissed the back of Elphias' head and smoothed his hair down as if he'd disturbed its order, though it was a wild mess. Elphias listened to him pad across the bedroom and heard him filling the tub in the hall bathroom with water. He imagined that it would be very hot; Albus' heating spells were always dangerously overenthusiastic. He shivered under the blankets, wishing he hadn't turned down Albus' invitation to join him, but he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed even as he lay there daydreaming about steaming bathwater and the way Albus' slick chest would feel against his back.  
  
He finally managed to get up just for the sake of getting dressed. He'd never been so glad not to be naked, and he was almost afraid to leave the bedroom and face Albus, as if Albus would now forever see right through his clothes.  
  
"Good morning!" Albus chirped when Elphias found him in the kitchen. The dishes and utensils were busily making breakfast while Albus sat at the table with a book open in front of him. Elphias didn't trust Albus' sudden cheer. Certainly he was still grieving and trying to distract himself with Elphias, but Elphias could hardly fault him that. He touched Albus' shoulder on his way to get himself a glass of juice from the pitcher Albus had set out, and noticed as he drank that Albus had repaired the windows and all of the furniture in the sitting room. The house looked spotless and pristine, everything in place. For some reason the sight made Elphias shudder.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to come and stay with my family until Auror training begins?" Elphias asked.  
  
"You're so confident that we both made the program?" Albus said, smiling.  
  
"Fine, I probably didn't, but you certainly did."  
  
"I don't know about that," Albus said, his eyes on his book. Elphias stood standing with his empty glass of juice, feeling trapped. He wanted to leave Albus' house at once. It was the most suffocatingly haunted place he'd ever been. Two people had died within its walls, and now it was also haunted by the events of the previous evening. Part of him didn't only want to leave the house but Albus as well. It was hard to look at him directly. Elphias wanted both to talk at length about what had happened and to never mention it for the rest of their lives.  
  
"What shall we do today?" Elphias asked when they were finished with breakfast and the dishes had returned to the sink to wash themselves. Albus looked up from his book and smiled in a suggestive way that made Elphias' throat go dry. He couldn't decide if he was excited or terrified, but he was beginning to realize that it was quite possible to be both at once.  
  
"Albus," Elphias said. "I'm worried about you."  
  
"Are you?" Albus stood from his chair and drew one finger down along the line of Elphias' jaw and then up again. Elphias was stiff until Albus reached up to rub his earlobe between his thumb and forefinger, which was delightful, for some reason. He flushed.  
  
"Yes," Elphias said. "You were in such a state yesterday. And today . . ."  
  
"Elphias, have you ever known me to linger over emotional preoccupations?" Albus sounded like he'd anticipated Elphias' remark. Elphias shrugged. He was tempted to say Yes, as a matter of fact I have, but he didn't want to prod Albus while he was still fragile. He stood up and wrapped him into his arms. Albus sighed happily and pulled Elphias closer.  
  
"Oh, you're here," he said as if he were just realizing it. "What else could possibly matter?"  
  
That sounded very unlike Albus indeed. Elphias had a humiliating longing for his mother or some other adult who could step in and take charge of the situation. The best he could do was follow Albus back to bed and let him take his clothes off again. At first he did it for Albus, to help in the only way it seemed that he could, but by the time Albus had turned him onto his stomach and spread him apart to use his tongue in places that made Elphias' ears burn with embarrassment even as he arched back against Albus' mouth, he accepted the fact that his motives were not entirely selfless.  
  
Albus' attentions made Elphias tired in a pleasant way, and he would drift off like a cat napping in a spot of light from a window, Albus fully awake and tracing runes on his back with his fingertips. The day passed this way without much conversation, and Elphias' desire to have some sort of discussion about what was happening and, more so, what would happen _next_ grew into a heavy weight that seemed to sit in his chest just behind his heart. He didn't want to upset Albus or turn his time of healing, however untraditionally he was going about it, into a hashing out of his own needs and insecurities. He sat patiently and waited for Albus to speak, Albus, who always wanted things to be clear and was never afraid of controversial topics, but Albus seemed only to want to suck on his fingers and his cock and the place between his neck and shoulder that made Elphias squirm and laugh.  
  
"I'm getting to know a new side of you," Elphias said that night in bed, breathless on his back and naked yet again, though he had pulled the blankets up to hide himself. Albus was above the bedclothes, moonlight bouncing off his brazenly exposed arse as he stroked his fingers through Elphias' hair.  
  
"This was the side of me I kept from you," Albus said. "I was afraid to show it for so long."  
  
 _But this doesn't feel like you at all_ , Elphias wanted to say. He pressed his lips together and smiled tightly. Even when Albus had shocked him with his declaration of love, he had still seemed like the Albus he had known for seven years. It was his news that had been strange, not Albus himself. Now he seemed changed and Elphias hated it. Albus seemed to want Elphias to think he was someone else. Elphias began to wonder if Gellert had acted this way: quiet, cavalier, and _hungry_ for just the thing his companion didn't want to give up.  
  
At other times Elphias felt as if he were the one meant to become Gellert, or the stand-in for him, at least. Albus instructed him in the art of intercourse, but he expected Elphias to do all the pushing and thrusting and to generally behave as if he knew what he was doing. Elphias tried; it certainly felt _good_ , and the mechanics weren't exactly difficult, but it also felt wrong and odd and he didn't like the way Albus panted and made a great show of thrashing about beneath him, as if it were all for the benefit of someone who wasn't actually in the room.  
  
Not all of the moments they shared in the crumbling house of Dumbledore were uncomfortable. Once when Albus was tying up herbs to dry in the kitchen the sight of him concentrating on his precise little knots reminded Elphias so much of the _old_ Albus that he dropped whatever he'd been doing and squeezed him around the middle from behind, pushing his face into Albus' hair. He'd been collecting potion ingredients from the overgrown back garden all day, and his hair was still warm from the sun. Albus laughed with quiet surprise, confirming Elphias' suspicion: it was a genuine sighting of the true Albus, his Albus.  
  
He tried to have faith that the real Albus would return entirely, and even the moments of darkness seemed like encouraging signs. Albus would wake from a nightmare and suck his breath in so hard that Elphias would fear that his chest would cave in like a snow drift. Albus didn't allow himself to cry, but sometimes he seemed to be considering it, and Elphias cherished these unsettled moments almost as much as the peaceful ones, because it was something real glimpsed beneath the charade of contentment they were attempting to live. He would draw Albus to him knowing he only had a few seconds to hold him before Albus pulled away, bent over and asked Elphias to _take_ him, a term Elphias hated, though hearing it usually did make him quickly erect.  
  
On the morning of Elphias' fifth day in the house, he woke early to find Albus sitting up on his elbow and staring down at him. He was frowning in a way that Elphias couldn't quite interpret. Was this the haughty frown of the disaffected new Albus, or the thoughtful expression of the old one?  
  
"Tell me something," Albus said, and his tone gave it away: this was the new Albus. Elphias sighed and rolled onto his back. They had been up late the night before, as usual. Elphias was afraid to turn Albus down when he wanted things done to him. He was desperate to be free of the thick air in the shut-up house, but he didn't want to leave Albus again. He'd tried that before and it hadn't worked at all.  
  
"How did you know to come?" Albus asked. "You arrived the day after it happened."  
  
Elphias sat up; this was the first time they had discussed "it" since the day he found Albus in the basement.  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked. "I got your letter."  
  
"My letter? Which one?"  
  
"The one asking me to come." Elphias laughed a little, as if Albus were being daft, but Albus' frown only deepened.  
  
"Are you mad?" Albus asked. "You think I asked you to come back after the things you said to me in those letters? I do have some semblance of pride, you know."  
  
"Well, I don't think I imagined it, Albus! Here." Elphias got out of bed and located the trousers he'd been wearing when he arrived, which were crumpled on the floor with the rest of his clothes. He took the letter he'd received from Albus out of his back pocket and reread it just to make sure he hadn't gone insane. It still said the same thing it had when it arrived: _Come home at once. I need you_. He offered it to Albus, who snatched it out of his hands and scowled down at it as he read it. The scowl slowly drained away as he stared at it, and his hands began to shake.  
  
"This is Gellert's handwriting," he said.  
  
"What!" Elphias tried to grab the letter back but Albus wouldn't let him have it. "That's ridiculous, it looks like yours to me."  
  
"We had similar handwriting." A brief smile flicked onto Albus' face and then faded. "We would Owl each other all night when we couldn't be together -- Gellert teased me for copying his handwriting, but I wasn't copying, it was just that we were so alike. At least, I thought we were. But his was just a bit more elegant than mine. He must have -- he must have sent this to you just before he left."  
  
"Just before he fled the country with blood on his hands, you mean?" Elphias felt everything he'd been pushing down rise up through him in a great, dangerous bubble. It felt good, and he was ready to let it burst out of him as Albus narrowed his eyes.  
  
"It wasn't like that at all," Albus said. "There was a great fight between Aberforth and Gellert. Things happened. It was an accident. Gellert -- it was so chaotic that we couldn't even be sure who cast the curse that struck her. Aberforth wanted to kill him. He had to leave."  
  
"Yes, of course. He also conveniently escaped the inquest."  
  
"There was no inquest!" The blue in Albus' eyes was barely visible; his eyes were two slits, an open threat. "Ariana Dumbledore was declared dead along with my mother. That's right! Aberforth didn't want the inspectors taking her away. He performed some horrible dark magic just to hide her from them. So no one came to inquire about her second death. Aberforth buried her in a glen she used to play in when she was very young, before the -- incident. Muggles, those Muggles -- goddamn them all to hell! What's their use, I ask you? Gellert believed they should serve us and when I think of what they did to her I'm inclined to agree."  
  
"Those were three children!" Elphias said. "You're not foolish enough to think they represent all of Muggle society. Albus, you're upset, here --"  
  
He expected Albus to push him away and cling to the letter Gellert had sent on his behalf, but when Elphias came to him Albus crumbled into his arms. He sobbed in a violent jerk that seemed as if it hurt him very badly, and then cried more regularly and wetly as he sank down with Elphias to the floor. Elphias leaned against the bed and hugged Albus to him, feeling every wrenched-out cry in his own chest as if he had been holding it in himself. He didn't pet or shush but just held Albus tightly.  
  
"I don't want to be angry anymore," Albus cried. "God, Elphias, you've no idea how angry I've been since that day."  
  
Elphias knew which day he was talking about. He could still remember clearly the day in second year when Albus confided in him about the reason his father hated Muggles and had attacked three of them in what he would only describe as an 'unspeakable' way, similar to the only way he would recount the attack on his sister. They had been in a quiet corner of the library, a forgotten Transfiguration text open in Albus' lap, his eyes going unfocused as he told the story. When he finished he just sat there like that, staring at nothing, until Elphias touched his shoulder and brought him back from his memories.  
  
"It's alright to be angry," Elphias said, not even halfway sure that this was what he should be telling Albus. He was horrible at comforting people, he'd learned, but Albus still clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him alive.  
  
"Not the way I am," Albus said, wiping his face. "I'm so afraid – what if I become like my father?"  
  
"No," Elphias said. He took hold of Albus' face and helped him to dry it. "I won't let you."  
  
"You'll leave me," Albus said, almost objectively, as if he were seeing it in a crystal ball, the unchangeable future. "You're already looking toward the windows."  
  
"I want to leave this _house_ , Albus, not you," Elphias said. Albus let out a shuddering sigh and leaned onto Elphias' chest, closing his eyes as if he would nap there. Elphias was so tired. He touched Albus' neck, which was hot with the exertion of crying. It seemed as if they had been at Hogwarts ten years ago, that day in the meadow when Albus confessed his feelings a remote memory from another person's life.  
  
They slept on the floor for the rest of the afternoon, until an owl arriving at the window woke them, scratching impatiently at the glass. Elphias pulled himself up on his hands and knees and stumbled toward the window. He recognized his parents' owl and unlatched the window to let it inside.  
  
The letter it brought was from his mum, a brief _Congratulations_ , and in it there was another letter, this one from the Ministry.  
  
"I've made it," Elphias said, falling to a seat on the bed. Albus was still stretched out on the floor. "I'm to report tomorrow for my Auror orientation."  
  
“Well.” Albus folded his hands over his chest. “You've got what you wanted. Congratulations, Elphias. I've always believed you'd make an excellent Auror.”  
  
“You will, too,” Elphias said, the first pinch of worry starting in his stomach. “I'm sure your letter will come any moment now. I suppose I only got the faster owl.”  
  
“No.” Albus didn't move from the floor, and suddenly Elphias wanted him to, badly, to get up and recover and prepare himself to get on with his life. “I don't think I'll be receiving a letter. In fact I know that I won't.”  
  
“What? Don't be ridiculous. The Ministry was measuring you for your Auror uniform in fifth year.”  
  
“The Ministry might have wanted me to be an Auror, but that's never what I wanted.”  
  
“Albus, dammit, stop acting mysterious and dark and stop _looking_ at me like that and get off of the damn floor!” Elphias reached down and yanked him up by both hands. Albus was surprisingly heavy, but he let himself be pulled. “What are you talking about?” Elphias demanded, drawing Albus to him until their noses almost touched. “We turned in our applications to the training program together! You – we – we were going to live together in London and, and –”  
  
“And then you broke my heart,” Albus said. He pulled himself from Elphias' grip, and though the motion was not even very sharp, Elphias stumbled backward as if he'd been pushed.  
  
“I withdrew my application,” Albus said. “The only reason I wanted to be an Auror was because you wanted to be one, Elphias. When I lost you, there was no reason to continue the charade. I've talked to Professor Perryman at school about –”  
  
“But you haven't lost me!” Elphias said, though suddenly Albus seemed to be miles away and unreachable.  
  
“Haven't I?” Albus sounded like a sad old man who was looking back on his life from a great distance. Elphias shook his head, but perhaps Albus was right. He wanted so much to leave the house and Apparate home to his parents and brothers, where he could celebrate his news with drinks and laughter, far away from the shroud of Albus' dead and dismantled family, far away from Albus himself.  
  
“I've been here,” Elphias said, not sure how he could possibly articulate what they had been doing. “I've been, since –”  
  
“You were a parting gift from Gellert,” Albus said. There was nothing in his voice but dismissal. Elphias would have turned for the door straight away if he hadn't been frozen in place by those words.  
  
“Will you never stop punishing me for the way I behaved on that last day at Hogwarts?” Elphias asked. He had his letter from the Ministry clutched tightly in his hands, its promise keeping him upright.  
  
“Oh, that matters little, really,” Albus said. He sighed as if explaining things to Elphias had finally become exhausting. “Regardless, I release you from the punishment you're inflicting on yourself. Stop trying to be something you are not. I shouldn't even have allowed things to get this far, but I was in shock after what happened, and then you appeared as if I'd called to you with my mind. Or my heart. I suppose I would have preferred to think of my heart doing the calling.”  
  
“But it was darling Gellert who really called me here,” Elphias said bitterly. He wished he could cry; he felt like he was dying and he didn't understand how his eyes were still dry. “Your true love. I suppose you'll go and find him now?”  
  
“Elphias, your lack of perception is truly legendary. Gellert wrote you that letter because he must have known, all summer, all along, that I was still in love with you. I suppose some part of me always will be. That, I've heard, is how these first tragic attempts at love usually go. But I think I must be recovering already, because I want very much for you to leave.”  
  
“I wish you'd never told me,” Elphias said, and something in those words finally allowed his tears to come. He pinched his eyes shut and sobbed once, like a child waiting to be coddled. Albus didn't come near him.  
  
“Told you what?” Albus asked. Elphias willed himself to leave before answering, but he couldn't.  
  
“That you loved me,” he said, and he sounded so horribly wrecked, so far beyond repair, that he couldn't face Albus any longer. He Apparated away and landed on a grassy hill outside of his parents' neighborhood. It was a place he had always gone while growing up to have a cry and indulge in feeling badly after his brothers teased him. He put his head in his hands and tried to figure out what he was even upset about. He'd escaped that dreary house. Albus had released him from the debt he'd felt he owed. It was a beautiful summer day and he had his whole future ahead of him.  
  
He sat there until the sun went down, not crying but just waiting to feel like he wouldn't again burst into tears as soon as he stood up.  
  
*  
  
Training to become an Auror was an exhausting trial that left little time for melancholy contemplation. Elphias bunked with four other trainees in a damp flat near the Ministry that didn't even have a fireplace. They had to use the communal fireplace in the building's lobby for Floo communication and transport, and there was often a long line of other residents at the hearth.  
  
The trainees were expected to report to the Ministry at seven o'clock in the morning and often didn't leave until eight or nine at night. Elphias was slightly malnourished and asleep on his feet when he wasn't at work. His dreams were troublesome and kept him from feeling as though he had really rested. He dreamed of the maniacal phantom of Gellert, imagining him huge and dark-eyed and laughing with delight at Elphias' attempts to duel him. When Albus appeared in his dreams he was usually in some sort of peril and Elphias was never able to help him.  
  
He heard through the gossip at the Ministry that Albus had become a Transfiguration professor at Hogwarts. At nineteen, he was the youngest professor in Hogwarts' history. Thinking of Albus back at Hogwarts without him made Elphias so upset that he would have to force himself to think of something else, such as defensive spells or the ingredients of the antidote potions that all Aurors were expected to know how to brew. The only time he let the thoughts capture him was right before bed, when he would allow the memories of the years they spent at Hogwarts together flood back in: Albus making cutting remarks about Elphias' girlfriend in his subtle way, the insults flying right over her head; Albus holding his hand and stroking his hair when Elphias' mum wrote to inform him of the death of the family owl; and that sweater Albus had given him for Christmas in sixth year. The shape was lumpy and the knitting uneven, and Elphias should have guessed that Albus made it himself, but he'd never seen Albus do anything clumsily before. He'd searched his parents' house for the sweater before he left home, and he found it at the very bottom of a drawer where he kept old robes that were too small. He was too embarrassed to actually wear it, but he kept it under his pillow and often slept with his face pressed against its itchy warmth.  
  
On New Year's Eve Elphias found himself alone in the flat, his fellow trainees out with their girlfriends. It was easy for Aurors to attract women, even those who were still in training. Elphias had gone on a few dates with a witch named Katrina who worked in Improper Use of Magical Artifacts, but she only made him nervous. She always seemed to be looking to him to lead her around and tell her where they should have dinner and how far they should go in their fumbling attempts to kiss for more than a few seconds. Elphias was slow to learn many things, and it took him almost a month of passively trying to let Katrina down gently to realize that he needed the same thing she did: someone to take hold of him and tell him what to do, to lift him off the floor like he was weightless.  
  
He wasn't daft enough not to know exactly who he wanted this from. Two hours before midnight at the turn of the century, he Apparated to Hogsmeade. It was crowded and alight with revelers, most of them packed into the bars and restaurants, safe from the freezing cold. The wizarding community had been abuzz about the new century and the celestial significance it would have, how the planets would align and what that would mean for the poor sods who trod the earth beneath them. Elphias had never cared for Astronomy; he got a T in the subject in his third year and never took it again. Too many charts and too much precision; he actually preferred Divination, though he didn't really believe that that rubbish guided the fates of wizards, either. As he mounted his broom and flew up the hill toward the castle, he knew that the only thing moving him was his own will, his ignoble desire, and his heart.  
  
Walking into Hogwarts after having been for seven months felt very strange, as if he'd really been away for seven years, though nothing had changed about the appearance of the entrance hall. The castle was quiet, most of the students still away on holiday. Elphias hoped that Albus had stayed over the winter break, though he couldn't imagine where else he would go. He'd read something in the paper the previous month about the infamous Dumbledore house being put on the market. A prominent researcher of ghosts bought the place.  
  
Elphias ran into his former Arithmancy professor, who directed him toward Albus' quarters on the fifth floor. He seemed surprised that Elphias had come to visit his old friend. Most of their professors had been perplexed by the fact that they were such close friends, or by the fact that Albus tolerated Elphias, anyway. Elphias had been good in only one subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts. Albus still surpassed him there by many miles.  
  
“Hello?” Elphias called when he knocked on Albus' door. He was not particularly nervous. Albus hadn't even written to him since he left Godric's Hollow in August, and he had little left to lose. But when Albus pulled the door open looking irritated at the intrusion, his heart went mad with terror.  
  
“You've let your hair grow,” Elphias said stupidly. Albus touched the short ponytail at the nape of his neck as if to verify this observation.  
  
“Have you come here to tell me you think it looks ridiculous?” Albus asked, and the fact that he seemed ready to immediately resume the fight they'd had four months earlier filled Elphias with hope, though he wasn't sure why. He smiled.  
  
“No,” he said. “I've come here to tell you that I've decided I do love you after all.” He said so proudly, as if he'd finally worked out a difficult answer on his Potions coursework. Albus stared at him, his hand still on the door.  
  
“I can't believe now that there was a time when I was amused by your idiocy,” Albus said, but he didn't slam the door, so Elphias went on smiling.  
  
“How have you been?” Elphias asked, peering over Albus' shoulder into the cozy little room. It had a small fireplace and a high window that offered a view of the light snow that was falling outside.  
  
“Elphias, why do you torture me?”  
  
“I don't! Do I? Aren't you going to invite me in?”  
  
Being back at Hogwarts seemed to have returned everything to normal. They were no longer two frightened children trying to play at being adults. Elphias was simply insufferable and Albus was, hopefully, again willing to suffer him. Albus narrowed his eyes slightly, as if he were trying to decide which Unforgivable to use on Elphias.  
  
“Please?” Elphias said. “It's the end of the world. The century, I mean! Ha! Time to make alms and such, wouldn't you say?”  
  
“ _Amends_ , Elphias, for God's sake.”  
  
“Amends? How do you mean?”  
  
“That's what you – never mind. Come in if you must. I don't know what you – what you expect of me.”  
  
“Oh, Albus,” Elphias said, as if Albus were being ridiculous. He walked in to the room and smiled around at its stone walls, which were decorated only with a Gryffindor banner and a painting of an aviary that Elphias recognized from Albus' room at the old house. Albus' desk was covered with quills and parchment, books open everywhere. Elphias sat on the bed and picked up the book that had been resting on Albus' pillow. It was a Transfiguration text, open to a chapter on transfiguring human bones.  
  
“How macabre,” Elphias said, shutting the book and setting it aside. He sat back and looked at Albus with a grin. Albus was watching him like he wasn't sure how he'd gotten into the room.  
  
“Your Auror training is going well?” Albus asked. He'd changed his glasses but his robes were the same old burgundy set that he loved, though they clashed horribly with his hair.  
  
“Yes, yes,” Elphias said, not interested in small talk. “Have you forgiven me yet?”  
  
Albus sighed and went to his desk to pretend to organize his scrolls. “For what exactly?”  
  
“Oh, I don't know. All of it, I suppose.”  
  
“Honestly, I'm too busy to think about any of that.”  
  
“Well, alright. How about the other thing?”  
  
“The other thing, Elphias?”  
  
“Do you still love me?”  
  
The words came out easily but they seemed to strike him once they had, and he sat up straighter on the bed, afraid he was being evaluated even though Albus would not turn to look at him. Albus was holding a quill as if he didn't know what to do with it, frozen in mid-gesture.  
  
“Every time we talk about this it goes so horribly that I lose my appetite for days,” Albus said. Elphias wondered if he should get up and grab his shoulder, turn him around and kiss him until their clothes starting coming off, but he didn't actually want that at all. He wanted Albus to come to him and fall onto him the way he had in his bedroom before Elphias left on his summer trip.  
  
“So write it down,” Elphias said. “Write your answer on that parchment and then we'll go from there.”  
  
“Yes, writing to each other went so well before.” Albus scoffed, but he smoothed out a scrap of parchment and sat down at the desk, still not looking at Elphias.  
  
“I just hate my life without you,” Elphias said as Albus raised the quill. “Even when things are going well, even when I should be happy. And I miss kissing your neck. Oh, Albus, I _think_ about it, don't you? So consider that before you write.”  
  
Albus jotted something on the scrap of parchment and folded it once before bringing it to Elphias, who tried to catch his eyes, but Albus was careful not to look at him. Elphias unfolded the parchment and held his breath as he read what Albus had written:  
  
 _I want you to get down on your knees and beg_.  
  
Elphias laughed, but when he looked up and finally met Albus' eyes, he saw that the request was completely serious. He let the smile drain off his face and shuddered. Something deep within him seemed to unlatch, and he was afraid that he would cry, but instead he only felt himself begin to get hard. He fell heavily to his knees and clasped his hands in front of him.  
  
"Please, Albus," he said, his cheeks burning. Albus stared down at him, trying to seem detached, but even from the floor Elphias could see a sharp glint of interest in his eyes. "Please, I love you, I'll die without you –"  
  
"Nothing cliché, please," Albus said. "I need specific details."  
  
"Alright," Elphias said, his flush spreading down to his neck. "I was a fool not to realize your true feelings long before you told me. But you know me, Albus, you know what it takes to make me understand things. And you're right, I was always touching you, I was doing it because I liked it, I liked the way you felt, I wanted to touch you everywhere. I was too much of a coward to let myself know that. You were always more courageous than I, and the horrid way I behaved in the meadow that day was all based in my profound, dishonorable fear. I'm still afraid, Albus, only now not of my feelings but of you. You have become, without my permission, which I imagine you can understand very well, so important to me, and I need your company and your friendship and your love and your body, oh, Albus, I want to be able to touch you again, no, I need to, I'm _shaking_ , can't you see that I'm shaking?"  
  
It was true. Albus stood very still and stared down at Elphias as he trembled and began to cry with embarrassment, trying to hold it in while his chin shook with the effort. Albus touched his own chin, and then his neck. Elphias whimpered and fought off the urge to clutch at Albus' robes. Maybe he'd come too late.  
  
"Oh, Elphias, really, I'm far more monstrous than you are!" Albus finally said, his voice tremoring. "Get up, get up!" Albus moaned with something like relief as he pulled Elphias up from the floor and lifted him into his arms. Elphias cried out happily and jumped up to wrap his legs around Albus' waist. He kissed Albus with the force of four months worth of pent-up longing and Albus held him with one hand spread under his arse like he could easily toss him into the air and let him float up to the ceiling.  
  
They fell onto the bed in a breathless tumble, too frantic to think of their wands as they tore each other's clothes away. Albus flung his glasses onto a table beside the bed and Elphias ripped the tie from Albus' hair so that it hung down around his face.  
  
"Take me," Elphias begged, the words he hadn't liked hearing from Albus finding their place on his own tongue. " _Please_ , Albus, take me again and again, I want you inside me all night."  
  
"Yes," Albus said, nodding with mad enthusiasm. Elphias had never seen him so disheveled, and still his every touch was so certain, though Elphias had the feeling he'd never before done quite what he was about do. Elphias turned to liquid under Albus' hands and into his mouth, moaning so loudly that Albus cast a second and then a third silencing charm on the room.  
  
Elphias got what he wanted, which was perhaps unjust. He had Albus deep inside him, he kissed Albus' neck, and he spread his legs wide for him, wanting to open up entirely, to roll himself out like an offering. Albus' every determined motion made Elphias come: he held Elphias' hands over his head on the mattress and Elphias spilled himself onto Albus' chest. He dragged his hand through Elphias' hair while Elphias sucked his cock and Elphias came into his own hand. Elphias cried at least once while Albus was inside him, sorry that he had ever been foolish enough not to lie back and trust himself to Albus' brilliance and kindness and _skill_.  
  
The century was four hours old by the time they'd worn themselves out. Elphias lay on his stomach and Albus flopped onto him, panting against the back of his neck. The snow had stopped falling outside and the castle was perfectly silent.  
  
"I'm going to come here every night and do this," Elphias said. He reached back to cup Albus' arse in his hand. It was warm and damp and such a comfort, just the shape of it.  
  
"Every night, really? You think we'll always have this kind of energy?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. If we don't, there are potions."  
  
Albus laughed and pulled the blankets up. "That's true," he said.  
  
"Albus?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why do you love me? Because I sucked on my finger in Herbology that day?"  
  
"Yes, Elphias, that is exactly the reason."  
  
"Ah. Lucky I didn't just wipe the blood on my robes, then."  
  
"Quite. Everything would be different. I might have fallen in love with Dorothy Windham."  
  
"That horrible girl!" Elphias rolled over. "Do you remember when her Summoning Charm ripped Professor Langley's robes straight off? She wasn't even remorseful! Well, it was funny. Oh, and I do have one other question."  
  
"Of course you do."  
  
"Did you love that – Gellert?" Elphias shrunk when he said the name, and Albus sighed. He pushed a sweat-soaked section of Elphias' hair off of his forehead.  
  
"I suppose I love him for bringing you back to me. That was a kindness I did not expect after the way things unraveled."  
  
"I would have come back, anyway."  
  
"Yes, if you'd known. But I was too proud to ask. It happened again, after you left Godric's Hollow to begin your training. I wanted you back every day, but I was afraid. You'd seemed so unhappy when you were staying with me. It took time for me to understand why, and to see through my grief well enough to interpret my own mistakes. But I think that pride would have been my downfall if you hadn't come here tonight."  
  
"At the turn of the century," Elphias said, scooting closer. "In the nick of time."  
  
"Was there a statute of limitations? You had to arrive before the clock struck midnight?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Let me be stupidly romantic about the new century, won't you?"  
  
"I hope you'll always be stupidly romantic," Albus said, drawing Elphias against his chest. Elphias settled there and sighed against the warmth of Albus' skin. He smelled like lemon drops and sherry.  
  
"That's the real reason you love me, isn't it?" Elphias asked, shutting his eyes.  
  
"No, it really was the finger-sucking, I'm afraid."  
  
Elphias laughed and locked an arm around Albus' back. It was hard to imagine why he'd been so terrified before, in the meadow and at Godric's Hollow, but he was almost glad that he had been. It was no small thing, what was being forged between them in Albus' small bed, the fire still burning and the new century rolling on. It was to do with the rest of their lives. Elphias could feel it as if it were a spell they would cast while they slept in each other's arms, something unbreakable that had taken years to prepare for and months to complete. Those were always the most powerful spells: the bond-making magic that had been around since the beginning of time. It was funny, really, that in the end it felt so effortless.

Elphias Apparated to Godric's Hollow the moment he received Albus' letter. After what had transpired between them throughout the summer, there was no doubt in his mind that Albus would not issue such an appeal unless the circumstances were dire indeed.  
  
When he arrived at the Dumbledore household he took a quick appraisal of the place: the yard was a bit more overgrown than it had earlier in the summer, but otherwise the house looked just the same. The roof was still caving in over the back left corner and the gnomes were still running rampant through the yard. Elphias kicked several of them away on the way to the door, and when he pounded it on it he found that it was slightly ajar. It creaked open just a bit, only darkness visible from within.  
  
"Albus?" Elphias called, flinging the door open. He was out of breath, as if he'd run from Germany rather than Apparated. As soon as he'd laid eyes on Albus' letter he felt as if he'd been waiting for it all summer, knowing it would come, and that he would barely reach Albus in time.  
  
He made his way into the house and whispered _Lumos_ , raising his wand for some light. The scene before him took his breath away entirely. There were blackened spots on the walls where spells had struck and incinerated the wallpaper. Furniture was overturned or smashed to bits. Two windows were broken, the curtains ripped.  
  
"Albus!" Elphias called frantically, sorting through the mess to search for blood stains. His breath was short and ragged by the time he came to the back hallway, where several of the family portraits that had been hanging in the hallway had been torn from the wall and smashed onto the floor.  
  
Elphias dashed into Albus' room and found it in relative order compared to the rest of the house. He searched the closet and looked under the bed, but there was no sign of Albus. He went to Aberforth's room next, but it was empty and smelt of mold, as if no one had been there for some time. Finally he checked the bedroom that had once belonged to Albus' parents, but it was pristine, as if it hadn't been touched since Albus' mother died.  
  
When there was only one place left in the house to check, Elphias steeled himself and approached its door. The basement where the off-kilter sister resided had once been boarded up and locked, but now the door hung open. Elphias pulled it open further with a shaking hand and looked down into the pitch black basement. An odor he was unfamiliar with rose up to greet him. It wasn't decay, exactly, something sharper and almost clean, but in an uncanny way.  
  
"Hello?" Elphias called down the staircase as he slowly descended it, the light of his wand shaking horribly in his trembling hand. "Is anyone down here? Albus? A-Ariana?"  
  
"I'm here," someone said weakly, and for a moment Elphias thought it was the girl, his blood cooling at the thought of being alone in an enclosed space with her, but when he whipped his wand around in the direction the voice had come from it was Albus he found sitting on a prim little girl's bed with a white frame and pale pink sheets.  
  
"Albus!" Elphias exhaled in relief and ran to him. He couldn't see well in the small light from his wand, but Albus looked incredibly ill. Elphias set his wand down on the bed beside Albus and pulled him up from the bed, into his arms. He sighed against Albus' shoulder and crushed his arms around him, sucking in the smell of him. Albus was damp with sweat and limp for just a moment, then his arms curled slowly around Elphias' shoulders.  
  
"You came," Albus said, his voice still so small that it was nearly unrecognizable.  
  
"Of course I did," Elphias said, struggling not to weep openly. He had finally allowed himself to realize, toward the end of his lonely and aimless journey, that he missed Albus so much that he felt he'd been shorn in half without him, but not until he'd seen him again did he know how much he'd not only needed him but wanted him. It was hard not to say all of this aloud, and he pulled his chin from Albus' shoulder to have a look around the dark basement.  
  
"What are you doing down here?" Elphias asked, still holding Albus tightly, as if one or both of them would drown if they released each other. "Is your sister here?"  
  
"She's dead," Albus said with a lightness that made Elphias' skin prickle. He stepped back a bit to look Albus in the face. In the deep shadows cast by the light from his wand Albus looked positively ghoulish. He had a cut on his lip and a bruise on his cheekbone.  
  
"Dead?" Elphias said, feeling stupid. Lately it seemed as if Albus was always suffering some tremendous crisis and Elphias was always floundering uselessly in response. "But how?"  
  
"Gellert," Albus said.  
  
Elphias felt something cold and hard lock around him. It was not quite rage but something righteous and unforgiving. He swallowed it up and touched Albus' moist face.  
  
"Let's go upstairs," Elphias said softly. "Into the light."  
  
Albus allowed Elphias to guide him to the stairs and then up into the house. Elphias kicked the basement door shut behind him and carefully deposited Albus into a soft-looking chair in the sitting room. Albus melted into it like he'd lost his bones. Elphias knelt down in front of him.  
  
"Is he gone?" Elphias asked. "Is it safe?"  
  
Albus looked as if he didn't know how to begin to answer that question. He shut his eyes.  
  
"He'll never come back," he said.  
  
"Do you want to -- talk about what happened?" Elphias asked. Albus shook his head emphatically and Elphias nodded, grateful for this. He went to the kitchen and found a suitably clean dish towel, wet it in the sink and returned to Albus, who was watching him like he was afraid he would disappear. Elphias dabbed the along Albus' damp hair line, then cleaned his cheeks and his neck. He'd never before realized how smooth and soft Albus' skin was, as if he'd never been touched. But he had, of course. By that Gellert. Now proven to be a murderer. Elphias swallowed his fury again, and knelt before Albus to grasp his hands.  
  
"Are you hungry?" Elphias asked. "Thirsty?"  
  
"I could do with a glass of juice," Albus said. His eyes watered and then went blank again. Elphias almost lost his own composure at the sight, and he understood, without being told, that Albus had witnessed his sister's death.  
  
"Where is Aberforth?" Elphias asked, reaching up as the glass of juice he'd summoned from the kitchen sailed toward him. He caught it and handed it to Albus, who drank three small sips before answering his question.  
  
"Gone," Albus said simply. "Never wants to see me again."  
  
"Surely he doesn't --!" Elphias stopped sort of _hold you responsible_. He was sure that Albus himself did, no matter what the circumstances of his sister's death had been.  
  
"Let's get away from here," Elphias said. "I'll take you back to my parents' house in Thackery."  
  
Albus shook his head. "I couldn't bear to see your family right now," he said. "Everything normal and happy -- no, no. I couldn't bear to see anyone but you."  
  
"Oh, Albus!" Elphias exclaimed, leaning up to embrace him. "You don't deserve any of this sadness," he said, stroking Albus' hair, which had grown long in the back. Albus exhaled heavily onto Elphias' shoulder and locked his arms around him. Elphias felt a disturbing surge of happiness that didn't fit the scene. He had Albus with him, finally. He finally had Albus in his arms.  
  
He helped Albus to bed and took stock of the pantry while Albus rested. There was nothing much, and Elphias was beginning to get hungry himself. He sent an owl to his parents' house elf, asking him to fetch some supplies and bring them to Godric's Hollow at once. His parents might see the note and become suspicious, but that was the least of his worries at the moment. Albus was a broken shell of himself, and Elphias wouldn't rest until he was restored, even if that meant Albus remembered to hate him.  
  
He put together a simple tea with the supplies the house elf delivered and brought it into Albus' room after he had been asleep for an hour. Albus was turned toward the wall, his trousers sagging and his shirt untucked, and Elphias could see a snatch of skin at his back and two knobs along the curve of his spine. He stood with the tray he'd prepared hovering in front of him and tried to distract himself from the urge to rub his fingernails lightly over Albus' back for the rest of the evening. But why shouldn't he? It might comfort him. It would certainly comfort Elphias.  
  
"Here's some tea," he whispered, approaching the bed. Albus stirred as if a shot had rung out, and Elphias was quick to his side. He placed a hand on Albus' chest to steady him, and Albus gazed up at him, breathing hard.  
  
"It was horrible," Albus said, still partly asleep, his voice cracking.  
  
"I know," Elphias said, though he didn't really. He propped Albus up against the headboard with two feather pillows and handed him a tea cup.  
  
"I don't know how to live anymore," Albus said, his tea cup trembling in his hand. "I don't know what I'll do. They're all gone. I'm all alone, Elphias, I haven't got anything --"  
  
"What do you call me?" Elphias asked, pretending to be offended. "I'm something you've got, aren't I?"  
  
Albus looked at him from someplace hollow and far away, as if he didn't quite recognize him.  
  
"Drink up," Elphias said before he could answer the question. "It'll help you get your strength back. And look, I've made you toast and these are three different spreads. You like lemon curd, don't you?"  
  
"It's my favorite," Albus said, gazing down at the dainty container with its little spoon.  
  
"I know," Elphias said, and he had to push down a sob that nearly came up with the words. He watched Albus take a tentative sip of tea and then a bite of toast. Albus had always been so strong and sure, and it was perverse to see him trembling and struggling to swallow toast, but perhaps he deserved a chance to break down. He'd certainly been through enough, and Elphias didn't expect him to be stony and unaffected. As he watched Albus take his tea he felt for the first time since second year that they were the same age, that Albus was just a hopeless boy who needed someone to look after him, same as Elphias.  
  
"Would you like me to read to you?" Elphias asked when the tray had been sent back to the kitchen. Albus settled down onto his pillows and shook his head. "I'll leave you to rest, then?" Elphias said, disappointed.  
  
"No, stay," Albus said. "Tell me about your trip."  
  
"Oh, Albus, you know it was horrible! What was that word you used? Tedious? It's no good seeing underground cities and eating strange food alone." He made himself stop talking, afraid that he would upset Albus with talk of their disastrous summer apart and those awful letters they exchanged.  
  
"I wish I had come with you," Albus said. "Ariana -- she would still be --"  
  
"It's my fault!" Elphias said before mashing his lips together again. He shook his head. "We shouldn't even speak of it. You need to rest. Do you want -- would you like me to rub your back?" he blurted. His face went red when Albus stared up at him as if he were a curious bird who had suddenly perched on his bedpost.  
  
"Yes," Albus said, averting his eyes as he rolled again toward the wall. Elphias swallowed heavily, regretting the offer somewhat. Albus' shirt had twisted and the lower half of his back was exposed, his skin shining with sweat. It was sweltering in the house, even as the sun began to dip outside. All of the windows were shut. Elphias took out his wand and whispered a cooling spell. Albus shuddered as the chill spread through the air and Elphias and squeezed his side.  
  
"Oh, I missed you," Elphias whispered, the words falling from him like a hiccup. He hoped that Albus was dozing or hadn't heard him. He reached up to rub his fingers lightly over the back of Albus' shirt, stopping when he reached the twisted edge of the fabric. The cooling charm he'd cast had been a bit too strong. He could feel the warmth of Albus' skin through his shirt, and he wanted to press his hand fully over the bare expanse of it at his lower back, but he didn't dare. Instead he pushed his fingers up into Albus' thick hair and scratched at his scalp until Albus sighed in sleepy contentment. Elphias flushed and brought his hand back down to Albus' neck, tickling him there as Albus turned his head to guide Elphias' touch.  
  
"Good?" Elphias asked, the word sticking in his throat. He was beginning to feel strange. During his travels, particularly when he was sampling native pipe weed, he did allow himself -- once or twice -- to imagine what going to bed with Albus would be like. It was a comforting thought as he slept alone in strange lands. He had embraced a few pillows during the colder nights, thinking of him.  
  
"Will you take my shirt off?" Albus asked. He sounded close to sleep. "It's a bit twisted."  
  
"Yes, certainly," Elphias said, beginning to sweat again despite the cooling charm that was also making him shiver. He grasped his wand and prayed that the only disrobing spell he knew could be localized to a particular piece of clothing. He was relatively sure that it could, but still afraid that Albus would end up stark naked and terrified if his wrist slipped. When he cast it and only Albus' shirt disappeared he let out his breath in relief. Albus rolled fully onto his stomach and let out his breath as if he'd been holding it.  
  
"I'm so glad you're here," Albus said, his eyes shut on the pillow as Elphias fingers roamed slowly across his back. The strange, bed-related feeling sunk downward in Elphias, from his stomach to his groin. It was something about the feeling of Albus' skin under his hands, something about wanting more. Maybe his mouth on the back of Albus' neck. His cock seemed to hum in approval, shifting in his shorts as he thought about what Albus' skin would feel like under his lips and against his tongue.  
  
Elphias smashed his eyes shut and shook his head. What a time to be thinking such things! Albus was in crisis, and it was absurd, anyway, the thought of his mouth moving on the back of Albus' neck until he moaned in appreciation. No, no, it was not possible. As soon as Albus was asleep Elphias tore himself from his side and stalked across the room, his vision graying at the edges.  
  
He went into the bathroom with some vague plans to splash cold water on his face, but instead he shut the door behind him and tore the front of his trousers open. He braced himself on the sink basin and kept his eyes shut tight.  
  
"Oh, Albus, yes," he whispered as he pulled himself off, not thinking of anything but the smooth, pale skin on the back of Albus' neck, how it would taste and how sweet and astonished Albus' moans would sound as Elphias felt the low tremble of them under his lips.  
  
He finished with a lot of messy panting and remembered where he was as a crashing load of guilt and confusion seemed to arrive from the direction of the ceiling. He washed his shaking hands and cleaned up the bathroom and then himself, avoiding his own eyes in the mirror that was mounted over the sink basin. Refusing to allow any sort of thought process about what had just happened into his mind, he left the bathroom with a final huff as the last pulses of pleasure seemed to come to the ends of his nerves. He shook his head forcefully and went to the kitchen, where he drank almost a full bottle of milk before slamming it onto the counter breathlessly.  
  
The rest of his evening was spent sitting in the chair Albus had occupied earlier and leaning onto its arm with his hand spread over his face as he watched the light from the window burn to orange and then pale to blue. He had no appetite and could think of nothing except the subject he was trying desperately to avoid. He tried reading a periodical about brewing ale that had likely belonged to Aberforth, but he could only stare at the cover until the sight of it infuriated him and he flung it away. When he finally slept, still slumped in the chair, he dreamed of nothing but Albus' bed. It was a giant world of its own in his dreams, an island where Albus waited for him. Elphias could never quite reach it; he ended up clawing frantically at the bed frame like a dog who wanted to join his master.  
  
He woke up to the sound of shouting and jerked up in the chair, thinking that Gellert had come back to kill Albus. The screams were indeed coming from Albus' bedroom -- they were indeed Albus' screams! Elphias raced through the dark house, knocking into several pieces of ruined furniture and cursing when he fell against the wall as he reached the hallway. He drew his wand and ran into Albus' bedroom ready to duel, but all he found when he arrived was Albus, thrashing in his bed as if he were being attacked by an invisible foe.  
  
"Wait, wait!" Albus shouted, clawing madly at the air. Elphias approached with trepidation, hoping that he wouldn't encounter a force field of magic around the bed, but he was able to sit on it without resistance. He grabbed Albus' flailing hands and pulled him up into a sitting position. Albus gasped and seemed to surrender.  
  
"It's me!" Elphias said. Albus flinched when Elphias touched his cheek. "What's wrong, Albus? Were you dreaming?"  
  
"Elphias," Albus cried, his breath landing in heavy blasts on Elphias' face. "I think I am dreaming."  
  
"No, you were," Elphias said, scooting closer and drawing Albus into his arms. "But you're awake now. This is real." He stroked his thumb over the soft skin under Albus' eye. "This is real," he said again, afraid to believe it himself. Albus was looking at him as if they were in a dream, one of the hopeful imaginings Albus had concocted at Hogwarts or a fantasy of Elphias' from his midnight wanks in darkest Africa.  
  
"I want to go back and do it all differently," Albus said, squeezing Elphias' arms. Elphias nodded, his eyes burning.  
  
"So do I," he said, though he presumed Albus was talking about the events that led to the death of his sister. Elphias was referring to the afternoon in the meadow at Hogwarts, but he supposed that that day was one of those events. He'd driven Albus into the arms of that horrible Gellert. He'd abandoned him.  
  
"I wish I'd never wanted to kiss you," Albus said. "I can remember the first time. It was Herbology class, third year. You cut your finger on the thorn of a brambleshoot plant. You winced and brought your finger up to your lips, sucked at it a bit. I was overcome. I felt that something had been cast upon me and if I didn't break the curse by kissing you I would die. I don't think I've ever wanted anything as much before or since. Which is really a horrible thing, actually. Think of all the more worthy things I might have wanted."  
  
"You're right," Elphias said, blinking away tears. "I haven't been worthy of you. Oh, Albus, why couldn't you love somebody better?"  
  
"I've tried." Albus looked down at his lap. "Failed badly, turns out. I could try again. I suppose someday I will."  
  
"No!" Elphias shouted, so loudly and inappropriately that it nearly took them both out of the moment. Albus looked up with surprise, his eyes wide, and Elphias clamped his hands around Albus' face so hard that he blinked defensively.  
  
"No," Elphias said again, quieter now. "I won't have you loving anyone but me."  
  
Albus opened his mouth, but Elphias didn't want a response. He kissed Albus in a clumsy, falling motion that was nothing like the intoxicating caress Albus had placed on his lips in that same room several months earlier. Albus took a great, surprised breath and went stiff. Elphias was crushed by his reaction, and for just a moment he understood how badly he must have hurt Albus before. Not willing to relent, he bent down and ran just the tip of his tongue from the hollow of Albus' throat up to his jaw line. Albus made the astonished sound Elphias had been dreaming of.  
  
"What are you doing?" Albus asked, whispering as if they would be caught. Elphias shook his head to forbid him from wondering. He licked carefully across Albus' open mouth, and then into it, until he found the tip of Albus' tongue with his own. They groaned in such perfect unison that they both laughed.  
  
"I want you," Elphias said. He wound his fingers into Albus' hair and tipped his head back gently, sitting up straighter to look down into his face. Albus' mouth was still open and his breath was coming fast.  
  
"I've thought about it all summer," Elphias said as Albus stared, first into his eyes and then at his mouth. "Ever since you said you wanted me in your bed. Here I am, Albus, I've come. Now what would you have me do?"  
  
Albus made a weak, wordless sound that was almost a protest and then took a few ragged breaths as if he were considering the question.  
  
"Undress," Albus said, his face so hot that Elphias could feel it like a dull warming charm between them. Elphias reached for his wand and Albus shook his head. "Not like that," he said. "One article at a time. Slowly. Better yet, let me do it."  
  
Something in Elphias objected to this request, though his cock only grew harder when Albus reached up to push his robes off. He felt trapped for just a moment, panicked and ready to change his mind. Albus watched him like he was waiting for a retraction even as he started undoing the buttons on Elphias' shirt.  
  
"Tell me," Elphias said shakily, needing conversation. "Tell me how you touched yourself at Hogwarts, thinking of me while I slept in the bed next to yours. Go on."  
  
" _How_ I did it?" Albus' eyes twinkled in a familiar way that made Elphias' chest ache. "On my elbows and knees with my arse in the air, if you must know."  
  
"Oh." Elphias stared at Albus for a moment, appreciating the fact that the sight of his face had always been such a comfort: in the Great Hall that first year, ensuring that he wouldn't have to sit alone with his horrible Dragon Pox, in the library when Albus appeared to help him with his course work, and before bed in Gryffindor Tower, when Albus would smile at him from across the room as they closed their separate bed curtains. It had been so terrible to see him grieving, and Elphias knew he would see it again. This was only a brief reprieve. In the meantime, he grabbed Albus' ears and knocked him backward onto the bed with a kiss.  
  
Albus continued to undress him, struggling to do so while continuing the kiss. For a moment Elphias felt like they were wrestling, and he laughed into Albus' mouth. Albus laughed as well, and yanked Elphias' trousers down along with his shorts. Elphias' ears turned red once he was fully exposed, his cock completely perpendicular to Albus' stomach. Albus leaned back to look at him, and Elphias scratched at his chest self consciously. He was hardly fit, though he wasn't overweight. He was just sort of _around_ , always had been, and it was baffling that Albus even cared enough to look at him, especially the way he was looking at him now, with his bottom lip heavy and wet.  
  
"I don't know what to do," Elphias admitted, panic rising through him again. Albus sighed.  
  
"Are you sure you want to do anything?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," Elphias said, though his heart was beating so fast that he couldn't hear himself think clearly enough to make conscious decisions. He lay down next to Albus and reached for him. Albus grabbed his wand from the bedside table and removed the remainder of his clothes the old-fashioned way: a muttered spell and they were gone. Elphias' skin flashed hot and cold and back to hot again as Albus scooted into his arms and pressed their bodies together.  
  
"I knew it," Albus whispered. He kissed the very tip of Elphias' short nose. "I knew I was right."  
  
"About what?" Elphias shut his eyes and pressed his face to Albus' cheek.  
  
"About you. But why did you push me away before?"  
  
"I don't know," Elphias said, embarrassed, and a little irritated that Albus had to make a point to declare himself right all along. "Maybe you've just slipped me a love potion since then, hmm?"  
  
"Is that what this feels like to you?" Albus leaned up on one elbow, and Elphias was afraid to look at him for a moment. "Like it's happening against your will? Like you've lost your mind?"  
  
"Yes," Elphias admitted sheepishly. He rolled onto his back and pulled Albus on top of him. They both hissed when their erections press together.  
  
"Well," Albus said. He spread his legs out around Elphias and ground down against him until he moaned, then smiled and did it again. Elphias was dizzy with desire and confusion, prone and nearly liquefied beneath him on the bed. It occurred to him that Albus was experienced in this area and he was not. His heart beat faster and he was afraid he would be sick.  
  
"I suppose I'll take what I can get," Albus said. His eyelids had grown heavy and his cock was leaking onto Elphias' stomach. He moved away and Elphias reached for him, trying to draw him back up. He needed the warm cover of Albus to protect him from whatever was happening. Albus squirmed out of his grip and leaned down to circle his tongue slowly over the head of Elphias' cock. Elphias moaned so loudly that he startled himself, and he stopped trying to pull Albus back up onto him.  
  
They were both spent in under two minutes, some sort of objection to the fact that Albus had swallowed his come lodged in Elphias' throat as he pulled Albus off. He wasn't sure why it bothered him; it felt a bit like Albus had drunk from his life force, but perhaps he was being overly dramatic.  
  
Albus fell asleep quickly after he'd finished, a warm bundle in Elphias' arms. Elphias had never seen him so surrendered and clumsy, snoring a bit and drooling onto Elphias' shoulder. Elphias groped for his wand and cast a fresh cooling charm on the room before pulling the blankets up over both of them. He felt sated and still strange. He wanted badly to get dressed but didn't want to wake Albus, and the spell for putting clothes back _on_ escaped him at the moment, naturally. He shouldn't have leaned on Albus so much at school; he was already forgetting the basic spells.  
  
He lay awake for a long time, fluctuating between blissful contentment and sweat-soaked anxiety. What did this mean? Why had he let himself do it? Had it been worth it? What would Albus be like in the morning? When he needed bracing he touched Albus' neck, where his skin was softest and so warm, his steady pulse pumping under Elphias' fingers. Eventually he left his hand there, cupped around the back at Albus' hairline, and fell asleep.  
  
Morning came quickly and Albus was up with the birds as usual. He sat up and yawned, smiling down at Elphias' bleary expression as if it was not unusual for them to wake up in the same bed. Elphias rolled away and pulled the blanket over his ear, still too tired to contemplate what had happened the night before.  
  
"I'm going to take a bath," Albus said. "Do you want to join me?" He sounded nervous.  
  
"No, thank you," Elphias said. "I'm going to sleep for awhile longer."  
  
"Very well." Albus kissed the back of Elphias' head and smoothed his hair down as if he'd disturbed its order, though it was a wild mess. Elphias listened to him pad across the bedroom and heard him filling the tub in the hall bathroom with water. He imagined that it would be very hot; Albus' heating spells were always dangerously overenthusiastic. He shivered under the blankets, wishing he hadn't turned down Albus' invitation to join him, but he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed even as he lay there daydreaming about steaming bathwater and the way Albus' slick chest would feel against his back.  
  
He finally managed to get up just for the sake of getting dressed. He'd never been so glad not to be naked, and he was almost afraid to leave the bedroom and face Albus, as if Albus would now forever see right through his clothes.  
  
"Good morning!" Albus chirped when Elphias found him in the kitchen. The dishes and utensils were busily making breakfast while Albus sat at the table with a book open in front of him. Elphias didn't trust Albus' sudden cheer. Certainly he was still grieving and trying to distract himself with Elphias, but Elphias could hardly fault him that. He touched Albus' shoulder on his way to get himself a glass of juice from the pitcher Albus had set out, and noticed as he drank that Albus had repaired the windows and all of the furniture in the sitting room. The house looked spotless and pristine, everything in place. For some reason the sight made Elphias shudder.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to come and stay with my family until Auror training begins?" Elphias asked.  
  
"You're so confident that we both made the program?" Albus said, smiling.  
  
"Fine, I probably didn't, but you certainly did."  
  
"I don't know about that," Albus said, his eyes on his book. Elphias stood standing with his empty glass of juice, feeling trapped. He wanted to leave Albus' house at once. It was the most suffocatingly haunted place he'd ever been. Two people had died within its walls, and now it was also haunted by the events of the previous evening. Part of him didn't only want to leave the house but Albus as well. It was hard to look at him directly. Elphias wanted both to talk at length about what had happened and to never mention it for the rest of their lives.  
  
"What shall we do today?" Elphias asked when they were finished with breakfast and the dishes had returned to the sink to wash themselves. Albus looked up from his book and smiled in a suggestive way that made Elphias' throat go dry. He couldn't decide if he was excited or terrified, but he was beginning to realize that it was quite possible to be both at once.  
  
"Albus," Elphias said. "I'm worried about you."  
  
"Are you?" Albus stood from his chair and drew one finger down along the line of Elphias' jaw and then up again. Elphias was stiff until Albus reached up to rub his earlobe between his thumb and forefinger, which was delightful, for some reason. He flushed.  
  
"Yes," Elphias said. "You were in such a state yesterday. And today . . ."  
  
"Elphias, have you ever known me to linger over emotional preoccupations?" Albus sounded like he'd anticipated Elphias' remark. Elphias shrugged. He was tempted to say Yes, as a matter of fact I have, but he didn't want to prod Albus while he was still fragile. He stood up and wrapped him into his arms. Albus sighed happily and pulled Elphias closer.  
  
"Oh, you're here," he said as if he were just realizing it. "What else could possibly matter?"  
  
That sounded very unlike Albus indeed. Elphias had a humiliating longing for his mother or some other adult who could step in and take charge of the situation. The best he could do was follow Albus back to bed and let him take his clothes off again. At first he did it for Albus, to help in the only way it seemed that he could, but by the time Albus had turned him onto his stomach and spread him apart to use his tongue in places that made Elphias' ears burn with embarrassment even as he arched back against Albus' mouth, he accepted the fact that his motives were not entirely selfless.  
  
Albus' attentions made Elphias tired in a pleasant way, and he would drift off like a cat napping in a spot of light from a window, Albus fully awake and tracing runes on his back with his fingertips. The day passed this way without much conversation, and Elphias' desire to have some sort of discussion about what was happening and, more so, what would happen _next_ grew into a heavy weight that seemed to sit in his chest just behind his heart. He didn't want to upset Albus or turn his time of healing, however untraditionally he was going about it, into a hashing out of his own needs and insecurities. He sat patiently and waited for Albus to speak, Albus, who always wanted things to be clear and was never afraid of controversial topics, but Albus seemed only to want to suck on his fingers and his cock and the place between his neck and shoulder that made Elphias squirm and laugh.  
  
"I'm getting to know a new side of you," Elphias said that night in bed, breathless on his back and naked yet again, though he had pulled the blankets up to hide himself. Albus was above the bedclothes, moonlight bouncing off his brazenly exposed arse as he stroked his fingers through Elphias' hair.  
  
"This was the side of me I kept from you," Albus said. "I was afraid to show it for so long."  
  
 _But this doesn't feel like you at all_ , Elphias wanted to say. He pressed his lips together and smiled tightly. Even when Albus had shocked him with his declaration of love, he had still seemed like the Albus he had known for seven years. It was his news that had been strange, not Albus himself. Now he seemed changed and Elphias hated it. Albus seemed to want Elphias to think he was someone else. Elphias began to wonder if Gellert had acted this way: quiet, cavalier, and _hungry_ for just the thing his companion didn't want to give up.  
  
At other times Elphias felt as if he were the one meant to become Gellert, or the stand-in for him, at least. Albus instructed him in the art of intercourse, but he expected Elphias to do all the pushing and thrusting and to generally behave as if he knew what he was doing. Elphias tried; it certainly felt _good_ , and the mechanics weren't exactly difficult, but it also felt wrong and odd and he didn't like the way Albus panted and made a great show of thrashing about beneath him, as if it were all for the benefit of someone who wasn't actually in the room.  
  
Not all of the moments they shared in the crumbling house of Dumbledore were uncomfortable. Once when Albus was tying up herbs to dry in the kitchen the sight of him concentrating on his precise little knots reminded Elphias so much of the _old_ Albus that he dropped whatever he'd been doing and squeezed him around the middle from behind, pushing his face into Albus' hair. He'd been collecting potion ingredients from the overgrown back garden all day, and his hair was still warm from the sun. Albus laughed with quiet surprise, confirming Elphias' suspicion: it was a genuine sighting of the true Albus, his Albus.  
  
He tried to have faith that the real Albus would return entirely, and even the moments of darkness seemed like encouraging signs. Albus would wake from a nightmare and suck his breath in so hard that Elphias would fear that his chest would cave in like a snow drift. Albus didn't allow himself to cry, but sometimes he seemed to be considering it, and Elphias cherished these unsettled moments almost as much as the peaceful ones, because it was something real glimpsed beneath the charade of contentment they were attempting to live. He would draw Albus to him knowing he only had a few seconds to hold him before Albus pulled away, bent over and asked Elphias to _take_ him, a term Elphias hated, though hearing it usually did make him quickly erect.  
  
On the morning of Elphias' fifth day in the house, he woke early to find Albus sitting up on his elbow and staring down at him. He was frowning in a way that Elphias couldn't quite interpret. Was this the haughty frown of the disaffected new Albus, or the thoughtful expression of the old one?  
  
"Tell me something," Albus said, and his tone gave it away: this was the new Albus. Elphias sighed and rolled onto his back. They had been up late the night before, as usual. Elphias was afraid to turn Albus down when he wanted things done to him. He was desperate to be free of the thick air in the shut-up house, but he didn't want to leave Albus again. He'd tried that before and it hadn't worked at all.  
  
"How did you know to come?" Albus asked. "You arrived the day after it happened."  
  
Elphias sat up; this was the first time they had discussed "it" since the day he found Albus in the basement.  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked. "I got your letter."  
  
"My letter? Which one?"  
  
"The one asking me to come." Elphias laughed a little, as if Albus were being daft, but Albus' frown only deepened.  
  
"Are you mad?" Albus asked. "You think I asked you to come back after the things you said to me in those letters? I do have some semblance of pride, you know."  
  
"Well, I don't think I imagined it, Albus! Here." Elphias got out of bed and located the trousers he'd been wearing when he arrived, which were crumpled on the floor with the rest of his clothes. He took the letter he'd received from Albus out of his back pocket and reread it just to make sure he hadn't gone insane. It still said the same thing it had when it arrived: _Come home at once. I need you_. He offered it to Albus, who snatched it out of his hands and scowled down at it as he read it. The scowl slowly drained away as he stared at it, and his hands began to shake.  
  
"This is Gellert's handwriting," he said.  
  
"What!" Elphias tried to grab the letter back but Albus wouldn't let him have it. "That's ridiculous, it looks like yours to me."  
  
"We had similar handwriting." A brief smile flicked onto Albus' face and then faded. "We would Owl each other all night when we couldn't be together -- Gellert teased me for copying his handwriting, but I wasn't copying, it was just that we were so alike. At least, I thought we were. But his was just a bit more elegant than mine. He must have -- he must have sent this to you just before he left."  
  
"Just before he fled the country with blood on his hands, you mean?" Elphias felt everything he'd been pushing down rise up through him in a great, dangerous bubble. It felt good, and he was ready to let it burst out of him as Albus narrowed his eyes.  
  
"It wasn't like that at all," Albus said. "There was a great fight between Aberforth and Gellert. Things happened. It was an accident. Gellert -- it was so chaotic that we couldn't even be sure who cast the curse that struck her. Aberforth wanted to kill him. He had to leave."  
  
"Yes, of course. He also conveniently escaped the inquest."  
  
"There was no inquest!" The blue in Albus' eyes was barely visible; his eyes were two slits, an open threat. "Ariana Dumbledore was declared dead along with my mother. That's right! Aberforth didn't want the inspectors taking her away. He performed some horrible dark magic just to hide her from them. So no one came to inquire about her second death. Aberforth buried her in a glen she used to play in when she was very young, before the -- incident. Muggles, those Muggles -- goddamn them all to hell! What's their use, I ask you? Gellert believed they should serve us and when I think of what they did to her I'm inclined to agree."  
  
"Those were three children!" Elphias said. "You're not foolish enough to think they represent all of Muggle society. Albus, you're upset, here --"  
  
He expected Albus to push him away and cling to the letter Gellert had sent on his behalf, but when Elphias came to him Albus crumbled into his arms. He sobbed in a violent jerk that seemed as if it hurt him very badly, and then cried more regularly and wetly as he sank down with Elphias to the floor. Elphias leaned against the bed and hugged Albus to him, feeling every wrenched-out cry in his own chest as if he had been holding it in himself. He didn't pet or shush but just held Albus tightly.  
  
"I don't want to be angry anymore," Albus cried. "God, Elphias, you've no idea how angry I've been since that day."  
  
Elphias knew which day he was talking about. He could still remember clearly the day in second year when Albus confided in him about the reason his father hated Muggles and had attacked three of them in what he would only describe as an 'unspeakable' way, similar to the only way he would recount the attack on his sister. They had been in a quiet corner of the library, a forgotten Transfiguration text open in Albus' lap, his eyes going unfocused as he told the story. When he finished he just sat there like that, staring at nothing, until Elphias touched his shoulder and brought him back from his memories.  
  
"It's alright to be angry," Elphias said, not even halfway sure that this was what he should be telling Albus. He was horrible at comforting people, he'd learned, but Albus still clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him alive.  
  
"Not the way I am," Albus said, wiping his face. "I'm so afraid – what if I become like my father?"  
  
"No," Elphias said. He took hold of Albus' face and helped him to dry it. "I won't let you."  
  
"You'll leave me," Albus said, almost objectively, as if he were seeing it in a crystal ball, the unchangeable future. "You're already looking toward the windows."  
  
"I want to leave this _house_ , Albus, not you," Elphias said. Albus let out a shuddering sigh and leaned onto Elphias' chest, closing his eyes as if he would nap there. Elphias was so tired. He touched Albus' neck, which was hot with the exertion of crying. It seemed as if they had been at Hogwarts ten years ago, that day in the meadow when Albus confessed his feelings a remote memory from another person's life.  
  
They slept on the floor for the rest of the afternoon, until an owl arriving at the window woke them, scratching impatiently at the glass. Elphias pulled himself up on his hands and knees and stumbled toward the window. He recognized his parents' owl and unlatched the window to let it inside.  
  
The letter it brought was from his mum, a brief _Congratulations_ , and in it there was another letter, this one from the Ministry.  
  
"I've made it," Elphias said, falling to a seat on the bed. Albus was still stretched out on the floor. "I'm to report tomorrow for my Auror orientation."  
  
“Well.” Albus folded his hands over his chest. “You've got what you wanted. Congratulations, Elphias. I've always believed you'd make an excellent Auror.”  
  
“You will, too,” Elphias said, the first pinch of worry starting in his stomach. “I'm sure your letter will come any moment now. I suppose I only got the faster owl.”  
  
“No.” Albus didn't move from the floor, and suddenly Elphias wanted him to, badly, to get up and recover and prepare himself to get on with his life. “I don't think I'll be receiving a letter. In fact I know that I won't.”  
  
“What? Don't be ridiculous. The Ministry was measuring you for your Auror uniform in fifth year.”  
  
“The Ministry might have wanted me to be an Auror, but that's never what I wanted.”  
  
“Albus, dammit, stop acting mysterious and dark and stop _looking_ at me like that and get off of the damn floor!” Elphias reached down and yanked him up by both hands. Albus was surprisingly heavy, but he let himself be pulled. “What are you talking about?” Elphias demanded, drawing Albus to him until their noses almost touched. “We turned in our applications to the training program together! You – we – we were going to live together in London and, and –”  
  
“And then you broke my heart,” Albus said. He pulled himself from Elphias' grip, and though the motion was not even very sharp, Elphias stumbled backward as if he'd been pushed.  
  
“I withdrew my application,” Albus said. “The only reason I wanted to be an Auror was because you wanted to be one, Elphias. When I lost you, there was no reason to continue the charade. I've talked to Professor Perryman at school about –”  
  
“But you haven't lost me!” Elphias said, though suddenly Albus seemed to be miles away and unreachable.  
  
“Haven't I?” Albus sounded like a sad old man who was looking back on his life from a great distance. Elphias shook his head, but perhaps Albus was right. He wanted so much to leave the house and Apparate home to his parents and brothers, where he could celebrate his news with drinks and laughter, far away from the shroud of Albus' dead and dismantled family, far away from Albus himself.  
  
“I've been here,” Elphias said, not sure how he could possibly articulate what they had been doing. “I've been, since –”  
  
“You were a parting gift from Gellert,” Albus said. There was nothing in his voice but dismissal. Elphias would have turned for the door straight away if he hadn't been frozen in place by those words.  
  
“Will you never stop punishing me for the way I behaved on that last day at Hogwarts?” Elphias asked. He had his letter from the Ministry clutched tightly in his hands, its promise keeping him upright.  
  
“Oh, that matters little, really,” Albus said. He sighed as if explaining things to Elphias had finally become exhausting. “Regardless, I release you from the punishment you're inflicting on yourself. Stop trying to be something you are not. I shouldn't even have allowed things to get this far, but I was in shock after what happened, and then you appeared as if I'd called to you with my mind. Or my heart. I suppose I would have preferred to think of my heart doing the calling.”  
  
“But it was darling Gellert who really called me here,” Elphias said bitterly. He wished he could cry; he felt like he was dying and he didn't understand how his eyes were still dry. “Your true love. I suppose you'll go and find him now?”  
  
“Elphias, your lack of perception is truly legendary. Gellert wrote you that letter because he must have known, all summer, all along, that I was still in love with you. I suppose some part of me always will be. That, I've heard, is how these first tragic attempts at love usually go. But I think I must be recovering already, because I want very much for you to leave.”  
  
“I wish you'd never told me,” Elphias said, and something in those words finally allowed his tears to come. He pinched his eyes shut and sobbed once, like a child waiting to be coddled. Albus didn't come near him.  
  
“Told you what?” Albus asked. Elphias willed himself to leave before answering, but he couldn't.  
  
“That you loved me,” he said, and he sounded so horribly wrecked, so far beyond repair, that he couldn't face Albus any longer. He Apparated away and landed on a grassy hill outside of his parents' neighborhood. It was a place he had always gone while growing up to have a cry and indulge in feeling badly after his brothers teased him. He put his head in his hands and tried to figure out what he was even upset about. He'd escaped that dreary house. Albus had released him from the debt he'd felt he owed. It was a beautiful summer day and he had his whole future ahead of him.  
  
He sat there until the sun went down, not crying but just waiting to feel like he wouldn't again burst into tears as soon as he stood up.  
  
*  
  
Training to become an Auror was an exhausting trial that left little time for melancholy contemplation. Elphias bunked with four other trainees in a damp flat near the Ministry that didn't even have a fireplace. They had to use the communal fireplace in the building's lobby for Floo communication and transport, and there was often a long line of other residents at the hearth.  
  
The trainees were expected to report to the Ministry at seven o'clock in the morning and often didn't leave until eight or nine at night. Elphias was slightly malnourished and asleep on his feet when he wasn't at work. His dreams were troublesome and kept him from feeling as though he had really rested. He dreamed of the maniacal phantom of Gellert, imagining him huge and dark-eyed and laughing with delight at Elphias' attempts to duel him. When Albus appeared in his dreams he was usually in some sort of peril and Elphias was never able to help him.  
  
He heard through the gossip at the Ministry that Albus had become a Transfiguration professor at Hogwarts. At nineteen, he was the youngest professor in Hogwarts' history. Thinking of Albus back at Hogwarts without him made Elphias so upset that he would have to force himself to think of something else, such as defensive spells or the ingredients of the antidote potions that all Aurors were expected to know how to brew. The only time he let the thoughts capture him was right before bed, when he would allow the memories of the years they spent at Hogwarts together flood back in: Albus making cutting remarks about Elphias' girlfriend in his subtle way, the insults flying right over her head; Albus holding his hand and stroking his hair when Elphias' mum wrote to inform him of the death of the family owl; and that sweater Albus had given him for Christmas in sixth year. The shape was lumpy and the knitting uneven, and Elphias should have guessed that Albus made it himself, but he'd never seen Albus do anything clumsily before. He'd searched his parents' house for the sweater before he left home, and he found it at the very bottom of a drawer where he kept old robes that were too small. He was too embarrassed to actually wear it, but he kept it under his pillow and often slept with his face pressed against its itchy warmth.  
  
On New Year's Eve Elphias found himself alone in the flat, his fellow trainees out with their girlfriends. It was easy for Aurors to attract women, even those who were still in training. Elphias had gone on a few dates with a witch named Katrina who worked in Improper Use of Magical Artifacts, but she only made him nervous. She always seemed to be looking to him to lead her around and tell her where they should have dinner and how far they should go in their fumbling attempts to kiss for more than a few seconds. Elphias was slow to learn many things, and it took him almost a month of passively trying to let Katrina down gently to realize that he needed the same thing she did: someone to take hold of him and tell him what to do, to lift him off the floor like he was weightless.  
  
He wasn't daft enough not to know exactly who he wanted this from. Two hours before midnight at the turn of the century, he Apparated to Hogsmeade. It was crowded and alight with revelers, most of them packed into the bars and restaurants, safe from the freezing cold. The wizarding community had been abuzz about the new century and the celestial significance it would have, how the planets would align and what that would mean for the poor sods who trod the earth beneath them. Elphias had never cared for Astronomy; he got a T in the subject in his third year and never took it again. Too many charts and too much precision; he actually preferred Divination, though he didn't really believe that that rubbish guided the fates of wizards, either. As he mounted his broom and flew up the hill toward the castle, he knew that the only thing moving him was his own will, his ignoble desire, and his heart.  
  
Walking into Hogwarts after having been for seven months felt very strange, as if he'd really been away for seven years, though nothing had changed about the appearance of the entrance hall. The castle was quiet, most of the students still away on holiday. Elphias hoped that Albus had stayed over the winter break, though he couldn't imagine where else he would go. He'd read something in the paper the previous month about the infamous Dumbledore house being put on the market. A prominent researcher of ghosts bought the place.  
  
Elphias ran into his former Arithmancy professor, who directed him toward Albus' quarters on the fifth floor. He seemed surprised that Elphias had come to visit his old friend. Most of their professors had been perplexed by the fact that they were such close friends, or by the fact that Albus tolerated Elphias, anyway. Elphias had been good in only one subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts. Albus still surpassed him there by many miles.  
  
“Hello?” Elphias called when he knocked on Albus' door. He was not particularly nervous. Albus hadn't even written to him since he left Godric's Hollow in August, and he had little left to lose. But when Albus pulled the door open looking irritated at the intrusion, his heart went mad with terror.  
  
“You've let your hair grow,” Elphias said stupidly. Albus touched the short ponytail at the nape of his neck as if to verify this observation.  
  
“Have you come here to tell me you think it looks ridiculous?” Albus asked, and the fact that he seemed ready to immediately resume the fight they'd had four months earlier filled Elphias with hope, though he wasn't sure why. He smiled.  
  
“No,” he said. “I've come here to tell you that I've decided I do love you after all.” He said so proudly, as if he'd finally worked out a difficult answer on his Potions coursework. Albus stared at him, his hand still on the door.  
  
“I can't believe now that there was a time when I was amused by your idiocy,” Albus said, but he didn't slam the door, so Elphias went on smiling.  
  
“How have you been?” Elphias asked, peering over Albus' shoulder into the cozy little room. It had a small fireplace and a high window that offered a view of the light snow that was falling outside.  
  
“Elphias, why do you torture me?”  
  
“I don't! Do I? Aren't you going to invite me in?”  
  
Being back at Hogwarts seemed to have returned everything to normal. They were no longer two frightened children trying to play at being adults. Elphias was simply insufferable and Albus was, hopefully, again willing to suffer him. Albus narrowed his eyes slightly, as if he were trying to decide which Unforgivable to use on Elphias.  
  
“Please?” Elphias said. “It's the end of the world. The century, I mean! Ha! Time to make alms and such, wouldn't you say?”  
  
“ _Amends_ , Elphias, for God's sake.”  
  
“Amends? How do you mean?”  
  
“That's what you – never mind. Come in if you must. I don't know what you – what you expect of me.”  
  
“Oh, Albus,” Elphias said, as if Albus were being ridiculous. He walked in to the room and smiled around at its stone walls, which were decorated only with a Gryffindor banner and a painting of an aviary that Elphias recognized from Albus' room at the old house. Albus' desk was covered with quills and parchment, books open everywhere. Elphias sat on the bed and picked up the book that had been resting on Albus' pillow. It was a Transfiguration text, open to a chapter on transfiguring human bones.  
  
“How macabre,” Elphias said, shutting the book and setting it aside. He sat back and looked at Albus with a grin. Albus was watching him like he wasn't sure how he'd gotten into the room.  
  
“Your Auror training is going well?” Albus asked. He'd changed his glasses but his robes were the same old burgundy set that he loved, though they clashed horribly with his hair.  
  
“Yes, yes,” Elphias said, not interested in small talk. “Have you forgiven me yet?”  
  
Albus sighed and went to his desk to pretend to organize his scrolls. “For what exactly?”  
  
“Oh, I don't know. All of it, I suppose.”  
  
“Honestly, I'm too busy to think about any of that.”  
  
“Well, alright. How about the other thing?”  
  
“The other thing, Elphias?”  
  
“Do you still love me?”  
  
The words came out easily but they seemed to strike him once they had, and he sat up straighter on the bed, afraid he was being evaluated even though Albus would not turn to look at him. Albus was holding a quill as if he didn't know what to do with it, frozen in mid-gesture.  
  
“Every time we talk about this it goes so horribly that I lose my appetite for days,” Albus said. Elphias wondered if he should get up and grab his shoulder, turn him around and kiss him until their clothes starting coming off, but he didn't actually want that at all. He wanted Albus to come to him and fall onto him the way he had in his bedroom before Elphias left on his summer trip.  
  
“So write it down,” Elphias said. “Write your answer on that parchment and then we'll go from there.”  
  
“Yes, writing to each other went so well before.” Albus scoffed, but he smoothed out a scrap of parchment and sat down at the desk, still not looking at Elphias.  
  
“I just hate my life without you,” Elphias said as Albus raised the quill. “Even when things are going well, even when I should be happy. And I miss kissing your neck. Oh, Albus, I _think_ about it, don't you? So consider that before you write.”  
  
Albus jotted something on the scrap of parchment and folded it once before bringing it to Elphias, who tried to catch his eyes, but Albus was careful not to look at him. Elphias unfolded the parchment and held his breath as he read what Albus had written:  
  
 _I want you to get down on your knees and beg_.  
  
Elphias laughed, but when he looked up and finally met Albus' eyes, he saw that the request was completely serious. He let the smile drain off his face and shuddered. Something deep within him seemed to unlatch, and he was afraid that he would cry, but instead he only felt himself begin to get hard. He fell heavily to his knees and clasped his hands in front of him.  
  
"Please, Albus," he said, his cheeks burning. Albus stared down at him, trying to seem detached, but even from the floor Elphias could see a sharp glint of interest in his eyes. "Please, I love you, I'll die without you –"  
  
"Nothing cliché, please," Albus said. "I need specific details."  
  
"Alright," Elphias said, his flush spreading down to his neck. "I was a fool not to realize your true feelings long before you told me. But you know me, Albus, you know what it takes to make me understand things. And you're right, I was always touching you, I was doing it because I liked it, I liked the way you felt, I wanted to touch you everywhere. I was too much of a coward to let myself know that. You were always more courageous than I, and the horrid way I behaved in the meadow that day was all based in my profound, dishonorable fear. I'm still afraid, Albus, only now not of my feelings but of you. You have become, without my permission, which I imagine you can understand very well, so important to me, and I need your company and your friendship and your love and your body, oh, Albus, I want to be able to touch you again, no, I need to, I'm _shaking_ , can't you see that I'm shaking?"  
  
It was true. Albus stood very still and stared down at Elphias as he trembled and began to cry with embarrassment, trying to hold it in while his chin shook with the effort. Albus touched his own chin, and then his neck. Elphias whimpered and fought off the urge to clutch at Albus' robes. Maybe he'd come too late.  
  
"Oh, Elphias, really, I'm far more monstrous than you are!" Albus finally said, his voice tremoring. "Get up, get up!" Albus moaned with something like relief as he pulled Elphias up from the floor and lifted him into his arms. Elphias cried out happily and jumped up to wrap his legs around Albus' waist. He kissed Albus with the force of four months worth of pent-up longing and Albus held him with one hand spread under his arse like he could easily toss him into the air and let him float up to the ceiling.  
  
They fell onto the bed in a breathless tumble, too frantic to think of their wands as they tore each other's clothes away. Albus flung his glasses onto a table beside the bed and Elphias ripped the tie from Albus' hair so that it hung down around his face.  
  
"Take me," Elphias begged, the words he hadn't liked hearing from Albus finding their place on his own tongue. " _Please_ , Albus, take me again and again, I want you inside me all night."  
  
"Yes," Albus said, nodding with mad enthusiasm. Elphias had never seen him so disheveled, and still his every touch was so certain, though Elphias had the feeling he'd never before done quite what he was about do. Elphias turned to liquid under Albus' hands and into his mouth, moaning so loudly that Albus cast a second and then a third silencing charm on the room.  
  
Elphias got what he wanted, which was perhaps unjust. He had Albus deep inside him, he kissed Albus' neck, and he spread his legs wide for him, wanting to open up entirely, to roll himself out like an offering. Albus' every determined motion made Elphias come: he held Elphias' hands over his head on the mattress and Elphias spilled himself onto Albus' chest. He dragged his hand through Elphias' hair while Elphias sucked his cock and Elphias came into his own hand. Elphias cried at least once while Albus was inside him, sorry that he had ever been foolish enough not to lie back and trust himself to Albus' brilliance and kindness and _skill_.  
  
The century was four hours old by the time they'd worn themselves out. Elphias lay on his stomach and Albus flopped onto him, panting against the back of his neck. The snow had stopped falling outside and the castle was perfectly silent.  
  
"I'm going to come here every night and do this," Elphias said. He reached back to cup Albus' arse in his hand. It was warm and damp and such a comfort, just the shape of it.  
  
"Every night, really? You think we'll always have this kind of energy?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. If we don't, there are potions."  
  
Albus laughed and pulled the blankets up. "That's true," he said.  
  
"Albus?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Why do you love me? Because I sucked on my finger in Herbology that day?"  
  
"Yes, Elphias, that is exactly the reason."  
  
"Ah. Lucky I didn't just wipe the blood on my robes, then."  
  
"Quite. Everything would be different. I might have fallen in love with Dorothy Windham."  
  
"That horrible girl!" Elphias rolled over. "Do you remember when her Summoning Charm ripped Professor Langley's robes straight off? She wasn't even remorseful! Well, it was funny. Oh, and I do have one other question."  
  
"Of course you do."  
  
"Did you love that – Gellert?" Elphias shrunk when he said the name, and Albus sighed. He pushed a sweat-soaked section of Elphias' hair off of his forehead.  
  
"I suppose I love him for bringing you back to me. That was a kindness I did not expect after the way things unraveled."  
  
"I would have come back, anyway."  
  
"Yes, if you'd known. But I was too proud to ask. It happened again, after you left Godric's Hollow to begin your training. I wanted you back every day, but I was afraid. You'd seemed so unhappy when you were staying with me. It took time for me to understand why, and to see through my grief well enough to interpret my own mistakes. But I think that pride would have been my downfall if you hadn't come here tonight."  
  
"At the turn of the century," Elphias said, scooting closer. "In the nick of time."  
  
"Was there a statute of limitations? You had to arrive before the clock struck midnight?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Let me be stupidly romantic about the new century, won't you?"  
  
"I hope you'll always be stupidly romantic," Albus said, drawing Elphias against his chest. Elphias settled there and sighed against the warmth of Albus' skin. He smelled like lemon drops and sherry.  
  
"That's the real reason you love me, isn't it?" Elphias asked, shutting his eyes.  
  
"No, it really was the finger-sucking, I'm afraid."  
  
Elphias laughed and locked an arm around Albus' back. It was hard to imagine why he'd been so terrified before, in the meadow and at Godric's Hollow, but he was almost glad that he had been. It was no small thing, what was being forged between them in Albus' small bed, the fire still burning and the new century rolling on. It was to do with the rest of their lives. Elphias could feel it as if it were a spell they would cast while they slept in each other's arms, something unbreakable that had taken years to prepare for and months to complete. Those were always the most powerful spells: the bond-making magic that had been around since the beginning of time. It was funny, really, that in the end it felt so effortless.


End file.
